The Shifty Troublemaker: A TPM Humour Script
by solojones
Summary: Take 'The Phantom Menace' and cross it with 'Gumby'. That's not what this script is like, but isn't that a good idea? This is the entire script of TPM with many, many MST-ish parts added. Read this, it's a riot. No really. I'll pay you -4 bucks.Part 11 up
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Star Wars belongs to George Lucas. Lines from TPM script belong to George   
  
Lucas. I got nothing witty to say here.  
  
Note: This is to be a complete script-length spoof of The Phantom Menace. It is written   
  
by myself and my friend Terr_Mys. We both love TPM, but we also love a good joke.   
  
Enjoy reading and please review!  
  
------  
  
TITLE CARD : A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....   
  
  
  
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a   
  
roll up, which crawls up into infinity.  
  
  
  
STAR WARS   
  
EPISODE I- THE SHIFTY TROUBLEMAKER   
  
  
  
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic, but after excessive indigestion, spat the   
  
Galactic Republic back out again and decided to just stare at it threateningly. The   
  
taxation of trade routes to   
  
outlaying star systems is in dialysis.   
  
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships and antacids, the   
  
greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of   
  
Naboo.   
  
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of   
  
events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the   
  
guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict.....   
  
  
  
PAN DOWN to reveal a small space cruiser heading TOWARD CAMERA at great   
  
speed. PAN with the cruiser as it heads toward the beautiful green planet of   
  
Naboo, which is surrounded by hundreds of Trade Federation battleships.  
  
  
  
INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT   
  
  
  
In the cockpit of the cruise, the CAPTAIN and PILOT maneuver closer to one   
  
of the battleships.   
  
  
  
QUI-GON : (off screen voice) Captain.   
  
  
  
The Captain turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.   
  
  
  
CAPTAIN : Yes, sir?   
  
QUI-GON : (V.O) Is that all you can say?  
  
CAPTAIN : Yes, sir.  
  
QUI-GON: (V.O) Tell them we wish to board at once.  
  
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir.   
  
  
  
The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a Neimoidian trade   
  
viceroy, waits for a reply.  
  
CAPTAIN : (cont'd) With all due respect for the Trade Federation, the   
  
Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately. The younger one   
  
has to go pee.   
  
NUTE : Yes, yes, of course...ahhh...as you know, our blockade is perfectly   
  
legal, and we'd be happy to receive the Ambassador's liquid waste...Happy to.  
  
  
  
The screen goes black…no, wait, sorry, the screen goes African-  
  
American. Out the cockpit window, the sinister battleship looms ever   
  
closer.   
  
  
  
EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE (FX)  
  
The small space cruiser docks in the enormous, impressive CGI, non-  
  
miniature main bay of the Federation battleship.  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
A door slides open, and the two cloaked shapes are led PAST  
  
CAMERA into the formal conference room by TC-14.  
  
TC-14  
  
I hope you honored sirs with the  
  
most comfortable here. My master  
  
will be with you shortly.  
  
The droid bows before OBI-WAN KENOBI and QUI- GON JINN. He  
  
backs out the door and it closes. The JEDI lower their hoods  
  
and look out a large window at the lush green planet of Naboo.  
  
QUI-GON sixty years old, has long white hair in a ponytail he hasn't   
  
cut since Woodstock. He is tall and striking, with blue eyes. OBI-WAN   
  
is twenty five, single, and enjoys long walks on the beach.   
  
OBI-WAN  
  
I have a bad feeling about this.  
  
RANDOM FANBOY  
  
Haha, yes!  
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn to face RANDOM FANBOY for a moment, then go   
  
back to their conversation.  
  
QUI-GON  
  
I don't sense anything.  
  
OBI-WAN  
  
It's not about the mission, Master,  
  
it's something...elsewhere...elusive... that, and I still really have   
  
to go pee.  
  
QUI-GON  
  
Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-  
  
Wan. Keep your concentration here  
  
and now where it belongs.  
  
OBI-WAN  
  
Hmmm? Sorry, I was just thinking, perhaps I should take up the   
  
bagpipes?   
  
QUI-GON  
  
The present...  
  
OBI-WAN  
  
You're right, I wouldn't have time to practice them NOW... But Master   
  
Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...  
  
QUI-GON  
  
...but not at the expense of the  
  
moment. Be mindful of the living snot you'll get beaten out of you for   
  
playing such an instrument.  
  
OBI-WAN  
  
Yes, Master...how do you think the  
  
trade viceroy will deal with the  
  
chancellor's demands?  
  
QUI-GON  
  
These Federation types are cowards.  
  
The negotiations will be short.  
  
OBI-WAN  
  
(distracted) Hey, weren't there some birds in here?  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE  
  
NUTE GUNRAY and DAULTRAY DOFINE stand, stunned, before TC-14.  
  
NUTE  
  
(shaken)  
  
What?!? What did you say? This movie's rated PG!  
  
TC-14  
  
Vacuum, I said vacuum!  
  
NUTE  
  
Oh...   
  
TC-14  
  
The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I  
  
believe.  
  
DOFINE  
  
Ah knew it! Those blokes were sent here to force a settlement, they   
  
were! Blimme, we've had it!  
  
NUTE  
  
Stay calm? I'll wager the Senate  
  
isn't aware of the Supreme  
  
Chancellor's moves here. Go. Distract  
  
them until I can contact Lord Sidious.  
  
DOFINE  
  
You're barmy! I'm not going in there with a Jedi who's got a right full   
  
bladder. He might waz on me. Send the droid!  
  
Dofine turns to TC-14, who lets out a squeaky sigh.  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
OBI-WAN  
  
Is it their nature to make us wait  
  
this long for a restroom?  
  
The door to the conference room slides open, and TC-14 enters  
  
with a tray of drinks and food.  
  
QUI-GON  
  
No. I sense an unusual amount of  
  
fear for something as trivial as  
  
this trade dispute.  
  
Obi-Wan takes a drink.  
  
QUI-GON  
  
What are you doing? TRYING to destroy your kidneys?!  
  
He swats the cup away.  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE  
  
Nute, Dofine, and Rune Haako are before the hologram of Darth  
  
Sidious, a robed figure whose face is obscured by a hood.  
  
DOFINE  
  
Yer plan's been buggered, Lord Sidious! Ahm through with you and yer   
  
blooming blockade! Ah won't be havin' some high strung Jedi spending a   
  
penny on me loafers if you catch my meaning!  
  
DARTH SIDIOUS  
  
.......... Viceroy!  
  
Nute, looking very nervous, steps forward.  
  
NUTE  
  
Yes, My lord.  
  
DARTH SIDIOUS  
  
I don't want that stunted s-limey in  
  
my sight again. Do you understand?  
  
NUTE  
  
Yes, My Lord.  
  
Nute gives Dofine a fierce look, and Dofine, terrified, rushed  
  
off the bridge.  
  
DARTH SIDIOUS  
  
This turn of events is unfortunate.  
  
We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy.  
  
Begin landing your troops.  
  
NUTE  
  
Ahh, My Lord, is that, Legal?  
  
DARTH SIDIOUS  
  
I will make it legal. I'm the Phantom Menace!  
  
NUTE  
  
And, the Jedi??  
  
DARTH SIDIOUS  
  
The Chancellor should never have  
  
brought them into this. Kill them,  
  
immediately... Or slowly with lethal gases if you prefer, giving them   
  
plenty of time to make a triumphant exit once again.  
  
NUTE  
  
Ye..Yes, My Lord. As you wish.  
  
INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT - DOCKING BAY  
  
In the Cockpit of the Cruiser, the Captain and Pilot look up  
  
and see a gun turret swing around and point directly at them.  
  
PILOT  
  
Captain !? Look !!  
  
CAPTAIN  
  
Yes sir?  
  
EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HANGER BAY  
  
The battle gun fires. The Republic Cruiser explodes.  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan leap up to a standing position with their  
  
light sabers drawn. TC-14 jumps back, startled, spilling the  
  
drinks tray.  
  
TC-14  
  
Ahhh, Sorry, sir. The Viceroy...  
  
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan turn off their swords and listen intently.  
  
A faint hissing sound can be heard.  
  
OBI-WAN  
  
Snakes, why did it have to be snakes?!  
  
QUI-GON  
  
Who farted?  
  
TC-14  
  
Don't look at me, I'm a droid  
  
  
  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.)  
  
It was ME! (laughs hysterically)  
  
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan each taken a sudden deep breath and  
  
holding it.   
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY  
  
A hologram of NUTE , surrounded by BATTLE DROIDS, appears in  
  
the conference room hallway.  
  
NUTE  
  
They must be dead by now. But I'm a sadistic freak, so blast  
  
what's left of them.  
  
The hologram fades off, as a BATTLE DROID, OWO-1, cautiously  
  
opens the door. A deadly green cloud billows from the room.  
  
BATTLE DROIDS cock their weapons as a figure stumbles out of  
  
the smoke. It is TC-14 , carrying the tray of drinks.  
  
OWO-1  
  
What! I was expecting Vader! How come Luke gets all the dark smoky   
  
scenes?!  
  
TC-14  
  
Oh, excuse me, so sorry.  
  
The PROTOCOL DROID passes the armed camp just as two flashing  
  
laser swords fly out of the deadly fog, cutting down several  
  
BATTLE DROIDS before they can fire.  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE  
  
The bridge is a co- a caco- the bridge is a cocopuff- a cockro- who   
  
writes this stuff?!  
  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.)  
  
I Do!  
  
The bridge hates you! Close enough... NUTE and RUNE watch OWO-  
  
1 on the view screen.  
  
OWO-1  
  
Not sure exactly what...  
  
OWO-1 is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence. RUNE gives  
  
NUTE a worried look.  
  
NUTE  
  
What in blazes is going on down there?  
  
RUNE  
  
Have you ever encountered a Jedi  
  
Knight before, sir?  
  
NUTE  
  
Well, once, but I was drunk... I could have sworn it was a woman,   
  
too...   
  
(panicked)  
  
Seal off the bridge.  
  
RUNE  
  
That won't be enough, sir.  
  
The doors to the bridge SLAM shut.  
  
NUTE  
  
I want droidekas up here at  
  
once!!!  
  
RUNE  
  
We will not survive this.  
  
NUTE  
  
Don't be so quick to judge! First, we must consult Magic 8 Ball!  
  
Magic 8-Ball reads: you're screwed.  
  
NUTE   
  
Damn you!  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE  
  
QUI-GON cuts several BATTLE DROIDS in half, creating a shower  
  
of sparks and metal parts. OBI-WAN raises his hand, sending  
  
several of the lesser, young female droids swooning to the floor.  
  
QUI-GON makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut  
  
through it.  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE  
  
The CREW is very nervous as sparks start flying around the  
  
bridge door.  
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN are on the view screen.  
  
NUTE  
  
Meh, I've seen this one.  
  
He changes the channel  
  
RUNE  
  
Imbecile! This is my favorite episode!  
  
He changes the channel back to QUI-GON and OBI-WAN.  
  
The huge, very thick... blast door slams shut, followed by a  
  
second door, then a third. There is a hissing sound as the  
  
huge doors seal shut. QUI-GON taps the door with his sword.  
  
The screen goes black as a red spot appears in the center of  
  
the blast door.  
  
RUNE  
  
...They're still coming through!  
  
On the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.  
  
NUTE  
  
Impossible!! This is amazing 3D technology!  
  
RUNE  
  
Where are those droidekas?!  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE  
  
Ten ugly destroyer WHEEL DROIDS roll down the hallway at  
  
full speed. Just before they get to the bridge area, they  
  
stop and transform into their battle configuration.   
  
OBI-WAN  
  
Master, destroyers! ...or droids in hamster balls. Either way, it looks   
  
bad!  
  
The WHEEL DROIDS, led by P-59, rush the entry area from three  
  
hallways, blasting away with their laser guns. They stop  
  
firing and stand in a semi-circle as the smoke clears. OBI-  
  
WAN and QUI-GON are nowhere to be seen.  
  
P-59  
  
Switch to bio...There they are!  
  
The Jedi materialize at the far end of the hallway and dash  
  
through the doorway that slams shut. The WHEEL DROIDS blast  
  
away at the two JEDI with their laser swords (laser swords *snicker*)  
  
OBI-WAN  
  
They have shield generators!  
  
QUI-GON  
  
It's a standoff! Let's go!  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE  
  
NUTE and RUNE stand on the bridge, watching the view screen  
  
as the WHEEL DROIDS' POV speeds to the doorway.  
  
RUNE  
  
They're no match for droidekas. This is the one where the coyote builds   
  
the giant slingshot, right?  
  
TEY HOW  
  
Sir, they've gone up the ventilation shaft.  
  
RUNE  
  
Shaft... wouldn't it be great if Shaft were here?  
  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.)  
  
He's in his trailer behind stage 10.  
  
RUNE  
  
Really! Can I meet him?  
  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.)  
  
For 50 bucks.  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - MAIN BAY  
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN appear at a large vent in a giant hangar  
  
bay. They are careful not to be seen. Thousands of BATTLE  
  
DROIDS are loading onto landing craft.  
  
QUI-GON  
  
Battle droids.  
  
OBI-WAN  
  
Thank you, Master Obvious. It's an invasion army.  
  
QUI-GON  
  
It's an odd play for the Trade  
  
Federation. I was going to guess pawn to L4... We've got to warn the  
  
Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum.  
  
Let's split up. Stow aboard separate  
  
ships and meet down on the planet.  
  
OBI-WAN  
  
You were right about one thing,  
  
Master. The negotiations were short.  
  
OBI-WAN grins at QUI-GON, who smiles back briefly. OBI-WAN continues to   
  
grin.  
  
QUI-GON   
  
Yes, yes, very witty... What are you still grinning about?!  
  
He looks down to see a puddle around OBI-WAN's feet, then looks back up   
  
to his still-grinning apprentice.  
  
QUI-GON  
  
You disgust me. 


	2. Chapter 2

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE  
  
TEY HOW recieves a transmission.  
  
TEY HOW : Sir, a transmission from the planet.  
NUTE: It must be the IRS! Tell them I refuse to pay their blood money!  
RUNE : It's... Queen Amidala.  
  
On the view screen, QUEEN AMIDALA appears in her throne room. Wearing the  
entire city of Milan in headdresses and robes, she sits, surrounded by the  
GOVERNING COUNCIL and FOUR HANDMAIDENS, É1, É2, É3, and TIM.  
  
NUTE : (cont'd) Again you come before me, Your highness. The Federation is  
pleased.  
AMIDALA : You will not be pleased when you hear what I have to say,  
Viceroy...Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.  
NUTE: What the-? When did you hit puberty?! You sound like my uncle!  
AMIDALA : I have word that the Senate is finally voting on this blockade  
of yours.  
NUTE : I take it you know the outcome. I wonder why they bother to vote.  
AMIDALA: Enough of this pretense, Viceroy! I'm aware the Chancellor's  
Ambassadors are with you now, and that one of them is a charming, handsome  
young man. I demand a phone number.  
NUTE : I know nothing about telephones...you must be mistaken.  
  
AMIDALA, surprised at his reaction, studies him carefully.  
  
AMIDALA: (normal voice) ... You've got an eyelash on your cheek. No, no the  
other side-there... Now, what were we talking about? Oh, yes. (deep voice)  
Beware, Viceroy....the Federation is going too far this time...Denying a  
horny 14-year-old girl her right to a hottie's number. Tsk tsk.  
NUTE : Your Highness, we would never do anything without the approval of  
the film ratings board. You assume too much.  
AMIDALA : We will see.  
  
The QUEEN fades off, and the view screen goes African-American.  
  
RUNE : She's right, that young Jedi is sooOOoO hott!  
RUNE lets out a girlish squeal. NUTE coughs.  
RUNE: I mean... something about the Senate?  
NUTE : It's too late now.  
RUNE : Dammit, why do I always mess up my lines?!  
NUTE: I don't know, but it may have something to do with your homosexual  
tendencies.  
An awkward silence fills the room.  
  
INT. NABOO PALACE - THRONE ROOM  
  
The QUEEN, two of the És, and her Governor, SIBBLE BIO... I mean, SIB  
LISSLE... er, BIS LIBBLE... who the heck names these characters.  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): I do.  
Honestly George, do you have to insert yourself in every scene of this  
movie? ... Anyway, all these ridiculously named characters stand before a  
hologram of SENATOR PALPATINE, a thin, kindly... Phantom Menace!  
  
PALPATINE : ...How could that be true? I have assurances from the  
Lucas...my characters are the same. It must be the...n00b...fanboys...  
  
The hologram of PALPATIONE sputters and fades away.  
  
AMIDALA : Senator Palpatine?!? (turns to Panaka) What's happening?  
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA turns to his SARGEANT  
  
CAPT. PANAKA : Hey heey-heeeey!  
CAPT. PANAKA breaks into the Rerun Dance.  
BIBBLE : ...a malfunction?  
CAPT. PANAKA : It could be these tight leather pants, your highness.  
They're jamming my-  
BIBBLE : (quickly interrupting) A communications disruption can only mean  
one thing. Invasion.  
AMIDALA : Don't jump to conclusions, Governor. The Federation would not  
dare go that far unless seriously inebriated. Like at that one New Year's  
party...  
CAPT. PANAKA : The Senate would revoke their trade driver's licenses, and  
they'd be finished.  
AMIDALA : We must continue to rely on negotiation.  
BIBBLE : Negotiation? We've lost all communications! Humiliation, nation,  
legislation! Little Miss Muffet sat on her Tuffet- wait, is that profane?  
CAPT. PANAKA : This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security  
volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army, if  
our preseason is any indication anyway.  
AMIDALA : I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.  
Slow, painful death by lethal gas, yes, but not war.  
  
EXT. SPACE LANDING CRAFT - TWILIGHT (FX)  
  
Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet Naboo.  
  
EXT. NABOO SWAMP - SHALLOW LAKE - TWILIGHT  
  
Three landing craft slowly descend through the cloud cover of the  
perpetually grey twilight side of the planet. One by one, the Federation  
warships land in the eerie swamp, none of this is real, because CGI is so  
trendy.  
  
EXT. NABOO EDGE OF SWAMP / GRASS PLAINS - TWILIGHT (FX)  
  
The droid invasion force moves out of the swamp and onto a grassy plain.  
OOM-9, in his tank, looks out over the vast ARMY marching across the  
rolling hills. A small hologram of RUNE and NUTE stands on the tank.  
  
RUNE : ...and there is no trace of the Jedi. They may have gotton onto one  
of your landing craft.  
OOM-9 : If they are down here, sir, we'll find them. We may be made of  
scrap metal, and are easily destroyed by the weakest, girly-type  
adversaries, and are inferior to humans in every way, but we will find  
them.  
NUTE : Excellent.  
  
EXT. NABOO SWAMP - TWILIGHT  
  
QUI-GON runs through the strange landscape, glancing back to see the  
monstrous troop transports, emerging from the mist. Animals begin to run  
past him in a panic.  
An odd, frog-like Gungan, JAR JAR BINKS, squats holding a clam, generally  
acting like an idiot, the usual. Enter the MTT's.  
  
JAR JAR : Oh, noooooooooo!  
RANDOM FANBOY: Oh, YES! Crush him!  
  
JAR JAR drops the shell and grabs onto QUI-GON as he passes. The JEDI is  
caught by surprise.  
  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Hey, help me! Help me!!  
QUI-GON : Let go! Don't make me use my pepper spray!  
  
The machine is about to crush them as QUI-GON drags JAR JAR behind him.  
Just as the transport is about to hit them, QUI-GON drops, and JAR JAR goes  
splat into the mud with him. The transport races overhead.  
QUI-GON and JAR JAR pull themselves out of the brown murky substance which  
may or may not be mud...  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): hehehe...  
They stand watching the war machine dissapear into the mist. JAR JAR grabs  
QUI-GON and hugs him.  
  
JAR JAR : Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous!  
  
The frog-like creature kisses the JEDI.  
  
QUI-GON : What in the name of the Force... Are you brainless?  
JAR JAR : I spake.  
QUI-GON : The ability to speak does not make you a necessary character. Now  
get outta here!  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): (pouting) But he's funny! He stays!  
  
JAR JAR : No...no! Mesa stay...Mesa yous humble servaunt.  
QUI-GON : That won't be necessary. I already have a young, good looking  
Scotsman.  
JAR JAR : Oh boot tis! Tis demunded byda guds, it tis!  
QUI-GON: ... um...  
QUI-GON searches for his Gungan-Basic dictionary. In the distance, two  
STAPS burst out of the mist at high speed, chasing OBI-WAN.  
  
QUI-GON : I have no time for this now... here come Mr. Galaxy 3027!  
JAR JAR : Say what?  
  
The two STAPS barrell down on OBI-WAN.  
  
JAR JAR : (cont'd) Oh, nooooo! Weesa ganna....  
  
QUI-GON throws JAR JAR into the mud.  
  
QUI-GON : Stay down!  
  
His head pops up.  
  
JAR JAR : ...dieeee!  
  
The two troops fire laser bolts at OBI-WAN. QUI-GON deflects the bolts  
back, and the STAPS blow up. One-two. See how well I can count? OBI-WAN is  
exhausted and tries to catch his breath.  
  
JAR JAR : Yousa sav-ed my again, hey?  
OBI-WAN : What's this?  
QUI-GON : Lucas' pet. Let's go, before more the Flannelled One shows up  
again... and droids.  
JAR JAR : Mure? Mure did you spake??!?  
OBI-WAN: Look, Jar Jar, over there!!  
  
OBI-WAN and QUI-GON start to run. JAR JAR tries to keep up.  
  
JAR JAR : (cont'd) Ex-squeeze me, but da moto grande safe place would be  
Otoh Gunga. Tis where I grew up...Tis a hidden city.  
  
They all stop.  
  
QUI-GON : A city!  
JAR-JAR: Where? Meesa no see anything! Uh...oh meesa see, meesa been had!  
Yousa got me!  
QUI-GON: Can you take us to YOUR ciy?  
JAR JAR : Ahhh, will...on second taut...no, not willy.  
OBI-WAN: Can he say 'willy' in a PG movie, master?  
QUI-GON : Well I've seen much worse in Disney movies... Why can't you take  
us there, Jar Jar Stinks?  
JAR JAR : Iss embarrissing, boot... My afrai my've bean banished. My  
forgoten der Bosses would do terrible tings to my. Terrible tings if my  
goen back dare.  
OBI-WAN: In that case, what are we waiting for?!  
  
A PULSATING SOUND is heard in the distance.  
  
QUI-GON : You hear that?  
  
JAR JAR shakes his head yes.  
  
QUI-GON : (cont'd) That's the sound of a thousand terrible CGI things  
heading this way...  
OBI-WAN : When they find us, they will crush us, grind us into little  
pieces, and then expose our remains to lethal gases.  
JAR JAR : Oh! Yousa point is well seen. Dis way! Hurry!  
  
JAR JAR turns and runs into the swamp. QUI-GON and OBI-WAN look at each  
other, considering whether or not they really have to follow.  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): Don't give me those looks! Now follow the comic  
relief!  
The JEDI reluctantly trail behind JAR JAR, grumbling about reporting this  
to the acting unions. 


	3. Chapter 3

EXT. NABOO LAKE - UNDERWATER  
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN swim behind JAR JAR, who is very much at home in the  
CGI pixel-environment. Down they swim into murky depths. In the distance  
the glow of Otoh Gunga, an underwater city made up of large silicone  
implants, becomes more distinct. They approach the strange, Hugh Hefner  
inspired habitat. JAR JAR swims magically through one of the "Pamela  
Andersons", which seals behind him. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON follow.  
  
INT. OTOH GUNGA - CITY SQUARE  
  
GUNGANS in the square scatter when they see the strange smelling JEDI. Four  
"BUNNY" GUARDS armed with long......."electro-poles" ride two-  
legged..."KAADUS" into the square. The BUNNY GUARDS, led by CAPTAIN  
TARPALS, point their lethal..."poles" at the..."dripping" "trio"...my word  
George, this is a kid's movie!  
  
JAR JAR : Heyo-dalee, Cap'n Tarpals, Mesa back!  
CAPT. TARPALS : Noah gain, Jar Jar. Yousa goen tada Bosses. Yousa in big  
dudu this time.  
  
(At this point, the computer's spell-checker exploded. Please excuse any  
spelling errors from here on out. Thank you for your cooperation.)  
  
CAPT. TARPALS gives JAR JAR a slight zap with his "power pole". JAR JAR  
jumps and moves off, followed by the two JEDI.  
  
JAR JAR : How wude....and yet ewotic.  
OBI-WAN: Oh now that's just sick.  
  
INT. OTOH GUNGA - HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM  
  
The Bosses' Board Room has bubble walls, with small lighted fish swimming  
around outside like moving stars. To prove this metaphor, one in the  
distance collapses, forms a black hole, and sucks in neighboring fish. Look  
really closely, fanboys. It's in frame 3,271,138. A long circular judge's  
bench filled with GUNGAN OFFICIALS dominates the room. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON  
stand facing BOSS NASS, who sits on a bench higher than the others.  
  
BOSS NASS : Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackineeks up dare tis new  
weesong!  
QUI-GON : (reading from GunGan-Basic dictionary)Thosa makenees is abouts to  
attack duh Naboo. We must warna dem.  
BOSS NASS : Wesa no like da Naboo! Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Naboo tink  
day so smarty den us-ens. Day tink day brains so big.  
  
OBI-WAN flips through his dictionary.  
  
OBI-WAN: Yousa? There's no way I'm saying that.... Look, the short and long  
of it is, there's an army up there and you're screwed.  
BOSS NASS : No, mesa no tink so. Mesa scant talkie witda Naboo, and no  
nutten talkie it outlaunders. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of  
uss-en.  
EWAN (O.O.C.): What in the-? Look, George...I can't work like this.  
George Lucas (O.S.): We'll fix it in post!  
OBI-WAN : Right...You and the Naboo form a symbiotic circle... Like a clown  
fish and a sea anemone... guess who's the clown fish?  
BOSS NASS : Wesa wish no nutten in yousa tings, outlaunder, and wesa no  
care-n about da Naboo.  
QUI-GON : (waves his hand) Then speed us on our way.  
BOSS NASS : I'm Toydarian! Mind tricks don-err...Wesa gonna speed yousaway.  
QUI-GON : We need a transport.  
BOSS NASS : Wesa give yousa una bongo. Da speedest way tooda Naboo tis goen  
through da core. Now go.  
QUI-GON : Thank you for your help. We go in peace. (under breath) Let's  
pray he's not in the next two.  
  
LIAM throws a pointed glance at GEORGE (O.S.)  
  
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn to leave.  
  
OBI-WAN : Master, whats a bongo?  
QUI-GON: Don't be a square, brother! Have you never felt the beat of the  
magic drum?! Poetry, man! Beatniks! Hippies, peace and love! Woodstock,  
'69! Yeaaahhh!!  
OBI-WAN: ...  
QUI-GON: (clearing throat) Oh, sorry. What's a bong? A transport, I hope.  
  
The JEDI notice JAR JAR in chains to one side, waiting to "hear his  
verdict". QUI-GON stops. JAR JAR gives him a forlorn look.  
  
JAR JAR : Daza setten yous up. Goen through da planet core is bad bombin!!  
QUI-GON : ...Thank you, my friend... I think? What did he say, anyway?  
JAR JAR : Ahhh...any hep hair would be hot.  
  
OBI-WAN: Did he just call me hot?  
  
JAR JAR's soulful look is counterpointed by a sheepish grin.  
  
RANDOM FANGIRL: He's sooo right!  
  
She swoons, aiming towards OBI-WAN's arms. He steps back, letting her fall  
to the floor.  
  
OBI-WAN : We are short of time, Master.  
QUI-GON : We'll need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. This  
Gungan may yet be a useful plot device.  
  
QUI-GON walks back to BOSS NASS.  
  
QUI-GON : (cont'd) What is to become of Jar Jar Binks here?  
BOSS NASS : Binkss brokeen the nocombackie law... which is similar to the  
'notagbackies' law, but not quite the same. Hisen to be pune-ished.  
QUI-GON : (sacastically) He has been a great help to us. I hope the  
punishment will not be too severe.  
BOSS NASS : Pounded unto death.  
JAR JAR : (grimacing) Oooooh...Ouch!  
  
OBI-WAN looks pleased. QUI-GON is getting pointed looks from GEORGE LUCAS.  
  
QUI-GON : We need a navigator to get us through the planet's core, even  
though we are Jedi and isn't the Force stronger than a Gungan? Anyway, I  
have saved Jar Jar Binks' life. He owes me what you call a "million dollars  
cash"  
BOSS NASS : Binks. Yousa havena liveplay with thisen hisen?  
OBI-WAN: I'm pretty sure that was suggestive...  
  
JAR JAR nods and joins the JEDI. QUI-GON waves his hand.  
  
QUI-GON : Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.  
BOSS NASS : Hisen live tis yos- why am I talking like the Swedish Chef?  
JAR JAR : Count mesa outta dis! Better dead here, den deader in da core...  
OBI-WAN: Good thought!  
JAR-JAR: Yee guds, whata mesa sayin?!  
OBI-WAN: Ahh *bleeeeep*!  
  
EXT. NABOO CITY - UNDERWATER - SUB (FX)  
  
A strange little..."submarine" propels itself away from the "Otoh Gunga",  
leaving the glow of the magical breast implants in the distance.  
  
INT. SUB COCKPIT - UNDERWATER  
  
OBI-WAN in the co-pilots seat, JAR JAR guides the craft.  
  
JAR JAR : Dis is nutsen.  
OBI-WAN : Master, why do you keep dragging these pathetic life forms along  
with us?...Here, take over.  
JAR JAR : Hey, ho?  
OBI-WAN: What did you just call me?  
JAR-JAR: Uh, nutten! Where wesa goen??  
OBI-WAN: For a drink.  
  
OBI-WAN pulls out a mini-bar in the back of the bongo and makes his  
selection.  
  
QUI-GON : You're the navigator.  
JAR JAR : Yo dreamen mesa hopen...  
QUI-GON : Just relax, the Force will guide us...  
OBI-WAN: Then why in the blazes did we need him?!  
JAR-JAR: Dats a point...  
  
JAR JAR veers (no relation to the General) the craft to the left and turns  
the lights on. The coral vistas  
are grand, fantastic, and wonderous.  
  
OBI-WAN saunters over to JAR-JAR, trips, spills a little rum on him,  
laughs, wipes it off with his sleeve, then clears his throat.  
  
OBI-WAN: So uh, come here often?  
JAR-JAR: um...  
OBI-WAN : Banished! I meant, why were you banished, Jar Jar?  
JAR JAR : Tis a long tale, buta small part wawdabe  
mesa...ooooh...aaaa.....clumsy.  
OBI-WAN : (taking a swig) Aye, that's too bad. I feel your pain... say,  
who's up for some singing?  
(he begins to sing)  
I'm tired and I wanna go home, I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, well I had  
a little drink about an hour ago, and it's gone right to my head-  
  
Suddenly there is a loud CRASH, and the little craft lurches to one side.  
QUI-GON looks around and sees a huge, lumimnous OPEE SEA KILLER has hooked  
them with its long gooey tongue.  
  
QUI-GON: Dangit! Where's Robert Shaw when you really need him?! Full speed  
ahead!  
  
Instead of full ahead, JAR JAR jams the controls into reverse. The sub  
flies into the mouth of the creature.  
  
JAR JAR : Oooops.  
OBI-WAN : Give me the controls.  
  
OBI-WAN takes over the controls. It takes him a while to figure out which  
is the gas and which is the brake. Finally, he floors it and the OPEE SEA  
KILLER instantly releases the sub from its mouth.  
  
JAR JAR : Freeeeedoooooom!  
OBI-WAN: Hoorah for Scotland!  
  
As the sub zooms away they see a larger set of jaws, munching on the  
hapless KILLER. The jaws belong to the incredible HULK. The lights on the  
tiny sub begin to flicker as they cruise deeper into the gloom.  
  
QUI-GON: There's always Bruce Banner.  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE  
  
NUTE and RUNE stand before a hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS.  
  
NUTE : The invasion is on schedule, My Lord. We were able to fit it right  
in between 'pose as helpful Senator' and 'Tennis Lessons'  
  
DARTH SIDIOUS: Good. I have the Senate bogged down in Tom Daschle's  
speeches. By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no  
choice but to cry themselves to sleep tonight.  
NUTE : The Queen has great faith the Senate will side with her.  
DARTH SIDIOUS : Queen Amidala is young and naive. She's not even legal! How  
can you take her seriously? You will find controlling her will not be  
difficult. You have done well, Viceroy. I'll send a packet of stickers.  
NUTE: Scratch 'n sniff?  
DARTH SIDIOUS: Of course.  
NUTE : Thank you, My Lord!  
DARTH SIDIOUS: PHANTOM MENACE, out!  
  
DARTH SIDIOUS fades away.  
  
RUNE : Did my headdress look ok? He didn't even notice me, did he? It's  
always 'Nute, Nute, Nute!'  
NUTE : ... No need to report the missing Jedi to him, until we have  
something to report. And don't worry, I'm sure he though you looked...  
lovely.  
  
INT. SUB COCKPIT - UNDERWATER  
  
Sparks are flying, and water is leaking into the cabin. The sound of the  
power drive drops.  
  
OBI-WAN: ...would this be a bad time to mention that I have to use the  
restroom?  
  
OBI-WAN works with the sparking wires. JAR JAR panics.  
  
QUI-GON : Stay calm. We're not in trouble yet.  
JAR JAR : What yet? Monstairs out dare! Leak'n in here-  
OBI-WAN: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it!  
  
There's an awkward silence. QUI-GON shakes his head.  
  
OBI-WAN: Oh, you meant... go on...  
JAR-JAR: all'n sink'n, and nooooo power! You nutsen! WHEN YOUSA TINK WESA  
IN TROUBLE?!!!?  
OBI-WAN : Power's back.  
  
The lights flicker on, revealing yet another ugly IMPRESSIVE CGI MONSTER  
right in front of them.  
  
JAR JAR: Monstairs is byootiful!  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): Yesss, my preeecious...  
  
GEORGE ogles JAR-JAR and the MONSTER.  
  
The large IMPRESSIVE CGI MONSTER is surprised and rears back. The sub turns  
around and speeds away.  
  
JAR JAR : (cont'd) Wesa in trouble now??  
QUI-GON : Relax.  
  
QUI-GON puts his hand on JAR JAR's shoulder. JAR JAR relaxes into a coma.  
  
OBI-WAN : Is he dead? I say we cook him and find out.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): No! My darling pet!  
  
GEORGE leaps from his flannel chair and runs off the set to his quiet  
place.  
  
RICK McCALLUM (O.S.): Alright everyone, don't panic. I'll be taking over  
from here. Finish the ******* scene, please.  
  
The IMPRESSIVE CGI MONSTER leaps after the fleeing sub as it shoots out of  
the tunnel and into the waiting jaws of the HULK.  
  
OBI-WAN (cont'd) This is not good!  
RICK (O.S.): Hey! Stop ripping off your ******* lines from the next *******  
movie!  
EWAN (O.O.C.): You're a ******* moron, McCallum!  
AHMED (O.O.C.): No blasters, no blasters! Let's just calm down here guys!  
  
JAR JAR regains consciousness.  
JAR JAR : Wesa dead yet?? Oie Boie!  
  
JAR JAR's eyes bulge, and he faints again. The sub narrowly avoids the  
deadly teeth of the HULK. The IMPRESSIVE CGI MONSTER chasing them isn't so  
lucky. It is munched in half by the larger predator. The little sub slips  
away.  
  
QUI-GON : I have that effect on all the Gungans. 


	4. Chapter 4

INT. THEED - PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY  
  
QUEEN AMIDALA, SIO BIBBLE, and FIVE OF HER HANDMAIDENS (SLEEPY, DOPEY,  
SNEEZY, HAPPY, DOC) are surrounded by TWENTY DROIDS. CAPTAIN PANAKA and  
FOUR NABOO GUARDS are also held at gunpoint. NUTE and RUNE stand in the middle of the room. (ENOUGH WITH ALL CAPS, GEORGE, YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL!)  
  
BIBBLE: ...how will you explain those continuity errors to the fans?  
GEORGE LUCAS: They won't notice. Now get back to the scene!  
  
BIBBLE : Oh, yes. How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?  
NUTE : The Naboo and the Federation will forge a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here. I've been assured by the PHANTOM MENACE it  
will be ratified by the Senate.  
AMIDALA : I will not co-operate. NUTE : Now, now, your Highness. You are not going to like what we have in  
store for your people...Teletubbies!  
  
There is a general gasp of horror from the assembled.  
  
NUTE: In time, their suffering will persuade you to see our point of view.  
Commander. (OOM-9 steps forward) Process them.  
OOM-9 : Yes, sir! (turns to his sergeant) Take them to Tinky-Winky.  
  
The SERGEANT marches the GROUP out of the throne room.  
  
EXT. PALACE - PLAZA - DAY  
  
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES, accompanied by various ACTION FIGURE POSIBILITIES are led out of the palace by ten BATTLE DROIDS. The plaza is filled with tanks and BATTLE DROIDS, which they pass on their way to the detention camp. Unbeknownst to them, QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, and JAR JAR sneak across on a walkway above the plaza (at this point, you may be wondering how JAR JAR sneaks anywhere. But if you'd just watch the movie, you'd see that he obviously has his mouth duck-taped. No, not duct tape, duck tape.  
You know, from the Duck Planet. More on this later. Meanwhile, I think something's going on... ah yes, here it is...) and jump from a balcony to  
begin an attack to rescue the QUEEN.  
  
FOUR BATTLE DROIDS (collect them all!) are instantly cut down. MORE DROIDS fall to the ground as they catch a glimpse of that hunky stud-muffin, Ew- err...Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon swings his green laser-bong...err...sword...until there is only the DROID SARGEANT left. The SERGEANT starts to run but is pulled back to QUI-GON by the Force, then let out, then pulled back, in an  
old Jedi Force Yo-Yo trick, until finally he is dispatched by the JEDI.  
  
JAR JAR : Hmmuumm!  
OBI-WAN: (grins) Much better.  
  
GEORGE makes a brief on-screen appearance to remove the duck tape from JAR  
JAR's mouth.  
  
EWAN (O.O.C.): You're no fun.  
  
JAR JAR: Yousa guys bombad!  
  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): WAIT! I've got it! We can make a video game out of  
that! Yes! A RACING video game! $core! Cha-ching!  
  
RICK McCALLUM (O.S.): It'll be ******* awesome!  
  
QUEEN AMIDALA and the OTHERS are amazed. JAR JAR is mourning the loss of  
the skin around his lips. They move between two buildings.  
  
QUI-GON : Your Highness, we are the Ambassadors, for the Supreme  
Chancellor.  
BIBBLE : Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.  
QUI-GON : Gee, thanks RIC! The negotiations never took place. Your  
Highness, we must make contact with the republic.  
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA steps forward.  
  
CAPT. PANAKA : They've knocked out all our communications, and in the first  
round! I had a lot of money on that fight!  
QUI-GON : Do you have transports? CAPT. PANAKA : Of course. Because they wouldn't want to destory those too or anything. That would make it impossible for us to escape. They're in the  
main hanger. This way.  
  
THEY disappear down an alleyway as the COWBELLS are sounded.  
  
Christopher Walken: Mo-ah cowbell!!!  
  
INT. CENTRAL HANGER - HALLWAY - DAY  
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA cracks open a side door to the central hanger. QUI-GON looks in over his shoulder. OBI-WAN, JAR JAR, and the rest of the ACTION FIGURE POSSIBILITES are behind him. They see several STAR WARS LEGO(TM) SET Naboo spacecraft guarded by about FIFTY BATTLE DROIDS. Blue Oyster Cult can be  
heard in the distance.  
  
CAPT. PANAKA : There are too many of them.  
OBI-WAN: Accelerate to attack speed! Draw their fire away from the  
cruisers.  
CAPT. PANAKA: ...what?  
EWAN (O.O.C.): Haven't you guys ever seen these movies? ...nevermind,  
nevermind. Continue.  
  
QUI-GON : That won't be a problem. (to Amidala) Your Highness, under the  
circumstances, I suggest you come to Coruscant with us.  
RANDOM FANBOY: Ha! I KNEW it! I KNEW that's how you pronounce it! w00t!  
  
AMIDALA : Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is here with my people.  
QUI-GON : They will kill you if you stay. BIBBLE : They wouldn't dare. They have to let her grow to legal age for the  
next film!  
CAPT. PANAKA : They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of  
theirs legal. They can't afford to kill her. QUI-GON : The situation here is not what it seems. There is something else behind all this, Your Highness. There is no logic in the Federation's move  
here.  
  
EVERYONE looks over to see GEORGE LUCAS behind a camera.  
  
QUI-GON: Aha, so that's it. Well then, the script tells me they will  
destroy you.  
BIBBLE : Please, Your Highness, reconsider. Our only hope-  
RICK McCALLUM (O.S.): Luuuke!  
BIBBLE: ...Our only hope-  
RICK McCALLUM (O.S.): Luke-*******-Skywalker!  
BIBBLE: Our only hope IN THIS FILM is for the Senate to side with us...  
Senator Palpatine will need your help. CAPT. PANAKA : Getting past their blockade is impossible, Your Highness-  
RICK McCALLUM (O.S.): Always with you it cannot be done! CAPT. PANAKA: Would someone PLEASE shut him up?! Any attempt to escape will  
be dangerous. BIBBLE: Your Highness, I will stay here and do what I can...hopefully if I pull the right strings, I'll still be here for the next one. But you must  
leave to further the plot.  
  
The "QUEEN" turns to PADME and GUMBY.  
  
AMIDALA : Either choice presents a great risk...to all of us...  
PADME : We are brave, Your Highness.  
OBI-WAN: Anyone ever tell you that you look like the Queen?  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): Shut up!  
  
He throws a ROLL which hits OBI-WAN in the head.  
  
OBI-WAN: Sheesh, sorry.  
  
QUI-GON : If you are to leave, Your Highness, it must be now.  
AMIDALA: Then, I will plead our case before the Senate. (to Bibble,  
whispering) You'll need to lose some weight if you wanna stick around.  
  
INT. CENTRAL HANGER - DAY  
  
The door opens to the main hanger. QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, JAR JAR, CAPTAIN  
PANAKA, TWO GUARDS, and THREE HANDMAIDENS, followed by QUEEN AMIDALA, and a partridge in a pear tree head for a sleek sexy spacecraft. SIO BIBBLE, YANE and SACHE stay behind. The HANDMAIDENS begin to cry, like the awesome bodyguards they are.  
  
CAPT. PANAKA : We need to free those pilots.  
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA points to TWENTY GUARDS, GROUND CREW, SIX BATTERY OPPERATED  
BATTLE DROIDS (limbs and torso sold separately).  
  
OBI-WAN : I'll take care of that.  
  
OBI-WAN heads toward the group of captured pilots.  
  
QUI-GON and the QUEEN, CAPTAIN PANAKA, JAR JAR, and the rest Of the GROUP  
approach the GUARDS at the ramp of the Naboo craft.  
  
GUARD DROID : Where are you going? QUI-GON : I'm Ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor, and I'm taking those  
people to Coruscant.  
DROID GUARD : Uh...Coruscant... I that that was pronounced Cor-u-  
skant...uh... that does not compute- You're under arrest!  
  
The DROID GUARD draws his weapon, but before any of the DROIDS can fire, they are cut down. OTHER GUARDS run to their aid. OBI-WAN flashes a smile at the GUARDS around the PILOTS. They swoon. QUI-GON stands, fighting off  
DROIDS as the OTHERS rush on board the spacecraft, followed by Nicole  
Kidman.  
  
EWAN (O.O.C.): (singing in a loud, anguished voice) Roxaaaa-  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): NO! Not again!  
  
EWAN hangs his head, but is quickly distracted by the shiny lightsabre in his hand and forgets about the ordeal. OBI-WAN, the FREED PILOTS (including RIC OLIE), GUARDS and GROUND CREW MEMBERS rush on board the ship. The OTHER PILOTS and GUARDS race to SIO BIBBLE, ensuring his role in the next film. After everyone has made it onto the ship, QUI-GON jumps on board. COW BELLS  
sound. WILL FERREL rushes into the hangar, as droids fire at the ship  
taking off.  
  
EXT. THEED - HANGER ENTRY - DAY (FX)  
  
The ship exits the hanger. BATTLE DROIDS standing in the hanger shoot at  
them. WILL frowns, drops his COWBELL, and quits SNL.  
  
EXT. SPACE (FX)  
  
The sleek sexy spacecraft speeds away from the planet of Naboo and heads  
for the deadly Federation blockade sequence.  
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT  
  
The PILOT, RIC OLIE, navigates toward the massive battleship, QUI-GON and  
CAPTAIN PANAKA watch.  
  
RIC OLIE : ....our communications are still jammed.  
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - DROID HOLD  
  
JAR JAR is led into a low, cramped doorway by OBI-WAN.  
  
OBI-WAN : Now stay here, and keep out of trouble. Dying would be a nice  
touch, too.  
  
OBI-WAN closes the door. JAR JAR looks around and sees a long row of five  
short, dome-topped.... George, really. There's no need for the ellipsis .... ASS-TRO- Okay, okay. That was just unnecessary .... ASTRO DROIDS (R-2 units). The all look alike, except for thier paint color, and they all seem  
to be shut down. Unlike my computer with that dang worm.  
  
JAR JAR : Ello, boyos. Top o' the morning! (no response) Disa wanna longo  
trip...hey?  
  
JAR JAR taps a bright red R-2 UNIT on the head, and its head pops up a bit.  
He lets out a gasp as he lifts the head.  
  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Tis opens?...Oooops!  
  
Many springs and things come flying out. (Look closely and you'll see a  
potato and a shoe among them.)  
  
JAR JAR quickly closes it again, very embarrassed.  
  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Yoi! Just yoken!  
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT- COCKPIT  
  
RIC OLIE : Powers back! That little droid did it. He bypassed the main  
power drive. Deflector shield up, at maximum.  
  
EVERYONE has decided to ignore him.  
  
The lone BLUE DROID finishes his repairs, saddles up his silver horse, and  
goes back into the ship. The Naboo spacecraft races away from the  
Federation battleship.  
  
RIC OLIE : There's not enough power to get us to Coruscant...the hyperdrive  
is leaking... and Nicole Kidman jettisoned. Is anyone listening to me?  
Anyone? QUI-GON JINN IS A SISSY!  
QUI-GON : We'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship.  
  
QUI-GON studies a star chart on a monitor, and is pleased to see he will  
have a good month.  
  
OBI-WAN : Here, Master. Tatooine... It's small, out of the way, poor... The Trade Federation has no presence there. And you know what that means. P-A-R-  
T-Y! Woohoo!  
CAPT. PANAKA : How can you be sure?  
OBI-WAN: You doubt my party skills? I'm a Scot!  
  
QUI-GON : ...It's controlled by the Hutts...  
CAPT. PANAKA : The Hutts??  
OBI-WAN: Yes, they're not much for a good Brandy. But I hear they have  
great Burban! It's risky...but there's no alternative. CAPT. PANAKA : You can't take Her Royal Highness there! She's underage! The  
Hutts are gangsters... If they discovered her... QUI-GON : ...It would be no different than if we landed in Ireland...except  
the Hutts aren't looking for her, which gives us an advantage.  
OBI-WAN: And time to party with the handmaidens! Yes!  
  
CPATAIN PANAKA takes a deep breath in frustration. 


	5. Chapter 5

EXT. SPACE - NABOO SPACECRAFT (FX)  
  
The Naboo spacecraft races away.  
  
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
NUTE and RUNE sit around a conference table with a hologram of THE PHANTOM  
MENACE.  
  
NUTE : We control all the Wal-Marts and are searching for any other  
merchandising outlets... DARTH SIDIOUS : Destroy all high-ranking officials Viceroy...slowly...with  
deadly gas. And Queen Amidala, has she signed the treaty? NUTE: She has disappeared, My Lord. (Hesitant) Um...you see, my Lord...my  
dog ate her. DARTH SIDIOUS : Like I haven't heard that one before! Viceroy, find her,  
before I give you a sithspension! I want that treaty signed. NUTE : My Lord, it's impossible to locate the ship. It's out of our range.  
DARTH SIDIOUS : ...not for a Sith...or someone with a plot necessity on  
their side.  
  
A COOL LOOKING GUY appears behind DARTH SIDIOUS. (Buy the legos, action  
figure, poster, backpack, and toothbrush at Wal-Mart today!)  
  
DARTH SIDIOUS: (Cont'd) ...Viceroy, this is my male compan-err,  
my...apprentice. Darth Maul. He will find your lost ship.  
NUTE : Yes, My Lord.  
  
The hologram fades off.  
  
NUTE : (Cont'd) This is getting out of hand...now there are two of them. RUNE: (welling up with tears) No one told me he was taken! We should not  
have made this bargain. What will happen when the Jedi become aware of  
these Sith Lords? What will I do without a date to the Trade Federation  
Homecoming Dance?!  
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS  
  
QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, CAPTAIN PANAKA, and the LITTLE BLUE DROID stand before QUEEN AMIDALA and her THREE HANDMAIDENS, PADME, EIRTAE and RABE (who are  
ready to party).  
  
CAPT. PANAKA : ...An extremely well put together little droid. Without a  
doubt, it will be in all the movies. It'll probably do this again, you  
know.  
AMIDALA : It is to be commended...what is its number?  
  
The LITTLE BLUE DROID lets out a series of bleeps. CAPTAIN PANAKA leans  
over and scrapes some dirt off of the side of the DROID and reads the  
number:  
RANDOM FANBOY: Well, DUH! Are you stupid?!  
CAPT. PANAKA: 327-1138, Your Highness  
RANDOM FANBOY: Oh...  
  
CAPT. PANAKA: Gotcha! It's R2-D2, Your Highness. AMIDALA : Thank you, Artoo Detoo. You have proven to be very loyal. And so  
very handsome...Padme!  
  
PADME bows before the QUEEN.  
  
AMIDALA: (Cont'd) Clean this droid up the best you can, you COMPLETELY  
INFERIOR HANDMAIDEN WITH NO ROYAL STATUS OR PHYSICAL RESEMBLANCE TO ME  
WHATSOEVER. (to Panaka) Continue, Captain.  
  
CAPTAIN PANAKA looks nervously to OBI-WAN and QUI-GON.  
  
QUI-GON : Your Highness, we are heading for a remote planet called  
Tatooine, which I'm sure no one has ever heard of. It is a system far  
beyond the reach of the Trade Federation. There we will be able to make  
needed repairs, maybe hobnob with some of the locals, perhaps do some  
betting, pick up some strays, then travel on to Coruscant. CAPTAIN PANAKA: Your Highness, Tatooine is very dangerous. It is controlled by an alliance of gangs called the Libertarian Party. I do not agree with  
the Jedi on this.  
QUI-GON: You must trust my judgement, Your Highness...and dude,  
Libertarians. Free Weed!!1!!1!  
  
AMIDALA and PADME exchange looks. PADME moves next to the DROID. AMIDALA  
gives her an envious glare.  
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA  
  
PADME sits in the Main Area, "cleaning" R2-D2....with her saliva. JAR JAR  
pops out of an open door.  
  
JAR JAR : Hidoe!  
  
Both PADME and ARTOO jump and let out a little SCREAM. The Gungan is  
embarrassed that he frightened them.  
  
PADME: I-I...it's not what it looks like!  
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Sorry, nomeanen to scare yousa.  
PADME : That's all right.  
JAR JAR : I scovered oily back dare. Needen it?  
PADME (raising eyebrow): Hmm...oil...yes. Thank you. This little guy is  
quite a mess.  
  
JAR JAR hands PADME the oil can.  
  
JAR JAR : Mesa Ja Ja Binksss...  
PADME : I'm Padme, I attend Her Highness, You're a Gungan, aren't you?  
JAR JAR: No, mesa Gundark (rolls eyes)  
PADME: In that case (begins to pull on his ears)  
JAR JAR: No, no, mesa kidding! Mesa Gungan, mesa Gungan!  
PADME: How did you end up here with us? JAR JAR : Me no know...mesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom....getten berry skeered, un grabbed dat Jedi, and before mesa knowen it...pow! Mesa here. (he shrugs)...getten berry berry skeered.  
PADME: I'm sorry, I don't speak Swedish. But I'm uh, sure that was an  
interesting story.  
  
ARTOO BEEPS a "sympathetic beep", which really sounds suspiciously like  
something Rick McCallum would say.  
  
INT. ANBOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT  
  
OBI-WAN, QUI-GON, and CAPTAIN PANAKA watch over RIC OLIE'S shoulder. A large yellow planet appears directly ahead. RIC OLIE searches his scopes.  
  
OBI-WAN: That's it. Tatooine.  
  
Below we see a building with a giant sign with flashing neon lights that  
read SPACEPORT.  
  
RIC OLIE: There's a settlement...a spaceport, looks like. QUI-GON: Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract any attention.  
  
EXT. TATOOINE - SPACE (FX)  
  
The ship heads toward the planet of Tatooine.  
  
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY (FX)  
  
The Naboo spacecraft lands in the desert in a swirl of dust. The spaceport  
of Mos E-  
  
RANDOM FANBOY: Eisley! Yes!  
  
...Mos Espa is seen in the distance.  
  
RANDOM FANBOY: Crap.  
  
EXT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA  
  
OBI-WAN is hoisting the hyperdrive out of a floor panel.  
  
JAR JAR walks back to ARTOO in the hallway as QUI-GON (dressed as a farmer)  
enters the main area.  
  
OBI-WAN: The Hyperdrive generator is gone. We will need a new one.  
  
QUI-GON moves closer to OBI-WAN and speaks quietly to him.  
  
QUI-GON: Don't let them send ant transmissions. Be wary...I sense a  
disturbance in the Force.  
OBI-WAN: (swallows) I fell it also, Master.  
QUI-Gon: That's not the Force.  
  
There is a long silence.  
  
OBI-WAN: (coughs) Um, you should get going though. I have to see to the,  
ehm, handmaidens.  
  
OBI-WAN runs off. QUI-GON goes into the hallway to meet up with ARTOO and  
JAR JAR. They head to the exit ramp.  
  
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - SPACESHIP - DAY  
  
They start their trek-  
  
RANDOM FANBOY: Nooo! BOOOO!!!  
  
Would someone shut him up?! ...They start their JOURNEY across the desert  
toward the city of Mos Espa. In the distance, a strange looking caravan  
makes its way toward the spaceport.  
  
JAR JAR : Dis sun doen murder tada skin.  
QUI-GON: Here, try my new Tatooine Brand Sunblock (tm).  
  
From the spaceship, CAPTAIN PANAKA and PADME run toward them.  
  
CAPT. PANAKA: Wait!  
  
QUI-GON stops as they catch up. PADME is dressed in rough peasant's garb.  
  
CAPT. PANAKA : (Cont'd) Her Highness commands you to take her with you. She  
wishes for her to observe the local... Wait, did I say her highness? I  
meant her handmaiden. Yes, her handmaiden has to go with you. QUI-GON : No more commands from Her Highness today, Captain. This rave, er,  
spaceport is not going to be pleasant...  
CAPT. PANAKA : The Queen wishes it. She is curious about this planet. QUI-GON: Well then just tell her to go rent 4 and 6! Sheesh...this is not a  
good idea. Stay close to me.  
  
He gives PADME a stern look, but she is eyeing ARTOO.  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - DAY  
  
The little GROUP walks down the main street of Mos Espa. They pass dangerous looking citizens of all types. PADME looks around in awe at this  
exotic enviroment.  
  
QUI-GON : ...moisture farms for the most part, but also a few indigenous  
tribes and scavengers, the odd scum and villany here and there. The few  
spaceports like this one are havens for those who do not wish to be  
found...  
PADME : ....like us.  
  
JAR JAR is in a constant state of panic.  
  
ARTOO whistles the Shaft theme song, with perfect confidence.  
  
JAR JAR : Dissen berry berry bad. (steps in ooze)  
Ooooh...icky...icky...goo.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): Whoops! Sorry about that! HAR HAR.  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - JUNK DEALER PLAZA - DAY  
  
The GROUP comes to a little plaza surrounded by several "junk" dealers.  
  
QUI-GON : We'll try one of the smaller dealers.  
  
They head for a little junk shop that has a huge pile of broken drug  
paraphernalia stacked up behind it.  
  
INT. WATTO'S JUNK SHOP - DAY  
  
QUI-GON, JAR JAR, PADME, and ARTOO enter the smokey junk shop and are greeted by WATTO, a pudgy blue alien with redish eyes who flies on short little wings like a hummingbird, somewhat haphazardly bumping into things.  
  
WATTO : (subtitled) Hi chuba da naga? (Hey my brother. What can I get you?) QUI-GON: I need some of your 'specialty stuff'...Nubian dust. Good quality.  
WATTO : Ah yes, ah yes. Nubian. We have lots of that. What kinda junk?  
(subtitled) Peedenkel! Naba dee unko (Boy, get in here! Now!)  
QUI-GON : My droid here has a readout of what I need.  
  
A disheveled boy, ANAKIN SKYWALKER, runs in from the junk yard. He is about nine years old, very dirty, and dressed in rags. WATTO raises a hand, and  
ANAKIN flinches, then randomly spits in all directions.  
  
WATTO : (subtitled) Coona tee-tocky malia? (Did you forget your medication  
again?) ANAKIN : (subtitled) Mel tassa cho-passa... (I was cleaning the dust bin  
like you- BINDUSTJERK!)  
  
WATTO : (subtitled) Chut-Chut! Ganda doe wallya. (Never mind! Watch the  
merchandise) Me dwana no bata. (I've got some selling to do here, and I can't have your Tourette's antics interfereing.) (to Qui-Gon) Soooo, let me  
take- a thee out back. Ni you'll find what you need.  
  
ARTOO and QUI-GON follow WATTO toward the junk yard, leaving JAR JAR with PADME and the young boy ANAKIN. JAR JAR picks up a spice-pipe, trying to  
figure out its purpose. QUI-GON takes the pipe out of his hand.  
  
QUI-GON: I'll be needing this for later.  
  
JAR JAR makes a rude face to QUI-GON's back and sticks out his long tongue. ANAKIN sits on the counter, pretending to clean a part, staring at PADME.  
She is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen in his life- more beautiful than all the wamprats, banthas, and sandpeople combined. PADME is a little embarrassed by his stare, and sneers at George for pairing her up  
with the horny kid 7 years younger than her. Finally, ANAKIN gets the  
courage to speak.  
  
ANAKIN: Are you an angel?  
PADME: What? ANAKIN: An angel. I've heard the deep space pilots talk about them. They  
live on the Moons of-  
PADME: I know what an angel is you idiot, but what the hell?!  
ANAKIN: No, noooo! ANGELs! You know, heaven!  
PADME: Uh, wait, I thought we lived in a galaxy far far away?  
  
There's a pause.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): SSSHHHHH. Script!  
PADME: (rolls eyes) You're a funny little boy. How do you know so much? ANAKIN: I listen to all the traders and star pilots that come through here.  
I'm a pilot you know, and someday I'm gonna fly away from this place....some day, I'll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday. Why live li- GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): NO! Ewan, I'm going to kill you for this, I swear...  
PADME: You're a pilot?  
ANAKIN: Mm hmm, all my life. Life. Wife. Butterknifekiteidiot!  
PADME: How long have you been here? ANAKIN : Since I was very little, three, I think. My Mom and I were sold to  
Gardulla the Hutt, but she lost us, betting on the Podraces, to Watto, who's a lot better master than Gardulla, I think... but there's all this strange dust around here and I think that might have something to do with  
it.  
PADME : You're...a slave?  
  
ANAKIN looks at PADME defiantly, spastically barks a few times, then pulls  
himself together.  
  
ANAKIN: I am a person and my name is Ja- er, Anakin!  
RICK McCALLUM (O.S.): Damn ******* straight!  
PADME : I'm sorry. I don't fully understand. Your name is Jaeranakin?  
(looking around) This is a strange world to me.  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): That's ANAKIN, his name is ANAKIN!  
PADME: Right, same thing.  
  
JAR JAR pushes the nose on what appears to be a LITTLE DROID, and it instantly comes to life, grows legs and arms, and starts marching around,  
knocking over everything. The entire city of Tokyo is in chaos.  
  
ANAKIN: Hit the nose!  
  
JAR JAR hits the nose, and the DROID collapses back into its original  
state. ANAKIN and PADME laugh, then ANAKIN slaps the counter 4 times in  
quick succession. ANAKIN watches PADME straighten her hair.  
  
EXT. WATTO'S JUNK YARD - BEHIND SHOP - DAY  
  
WATTO reads a small portable scale he is holding. He stands before a large  
pile of "hyperdrive" powder.  
  
WATTO : ...Here it is... T-14 hyperdrive!! You're in luck, I'm the only one hereabouts who has any...but thee might as well buy a plot of 'farm' land. It would be cheaper, I think...Speaking of which, how's thee going to pay  
for all this?  
QUI-GON: I have some paper clips, lint, a ticket to a Bob Dylan  
concert...oh, here we are! 20,000 Republic dataries. WATTO : Republic credits?!? Republic credits are no good out here. I need  
something more real... QUI-GON : (raising eyebrow) Well, I *do* have a handsome young Scot onboard  
my ship... (raising his hand) But credits will do fine.  
WATTO : No they won'ta.  
  
QUI-GON, using his mind power, waves his hand again.  
QUI-GON : Credits will do fine. WATTO : No, they won'ta. What you think you're some kinda Jedi, waving your hand around like that and wearing Jedi clothing and carrying a Jedi weapon?  
I'm a Toydarian. Mind tricks don'ta work on me-only money. No money, no parts! No deal! .... Wait, did you say Scot? Do you have a photo? ...no,  
no, only money!  
  
INT. WATTO'S JUNK SHOP - DAY  
  
JAR JAR pulls a bag of power out of a stack to inspect it, and they all come tumbling down. He struggles to catch them, only spilling more powder  
on the floor. ANAKIN and PADME are oblivious.  
  
ANAKIN: ...wouldn't have lasted long if I weren't so good at-what's that  
smell?  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.) Hahaha! It was NOT me this time! Hahaha!  
PADME: mmmm... this room is a beaauuttiful purple color...  
ANAKIN: (sighing) Oh, butterflies...  
  
QUI-GON hurries into the shop, followed by ARTOO.  
  
QUI-GON: We're leaving. ...is that a duck in the air? This totally reminds me of this one time at a Doobie Brother's concert... (shakes head) No, no,  
we're leaving.  
  
JAR JAR follows QUI-GON. PADME gives ANAKIN a hazy, strung-out look.  
  
PADME : I'm glad to have met you Anakin. Very glad. I feel so happy right  
now. Isn't this just the most lovely day?  
  
PADME turns slowly, and ANAKIN looks stoned as he watches her leave.  
  
ANAKIN: Peace out.  
  
WATTO enters the "junk" shop, shaking his head.  
  
WATTO : (subtitled) Ootmians! Tinka me chasa hopoe ma booty na nolia. (Outlanders! They think because we live so far from the center, we don't  
know nothing about well grammer!)  
  
Anakin attempts to catch an imaginary butterfly  
  
WATTO : (subtitled) Fweepa niaga. Tolpa da bunky dunko. (Clean this mess,  
then you can go home.)  
  
ANAKIN: Yippee! ... I'm sorry, my Tourette's again. It makes me say stupid  
things...  
  
ANAKIN runs out the back. 


	6. Chapter 6

EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - ALCOVE - DAY  
  
QUI-GON, ARTOO, JAR JAR, and PADME have found a quiet spot between two  
buildings. The busy street beyond is filled impressive looking CGI  
creatures. QUI-GON is talking on his com-link, while JAR JAR nervously  
watches the street.  
  
OBI-WAN is in the main hold of the Naboo craft with É2 on his lap.  
  
QUI-GON : ...Obi-Wan, you're sure there isn't anything of value left on  
board?  
  
É2 holds up a bag of green leaves and giggles. OBI-WAN shushes her.  
  
OBI-WAN : A few containers of supplies, the Queen's wardrobe, maybe... I'm  
sure I could get her to take that off. But it's not enough for you to  
barter with. Not in the amounts you're talking about. QUI-GON: All right. I just hope to the Force that I won't be made to sell  
this dope. Err...I'll check back.  
  
QUI-GON puts his comlink away and starts out into the main street. JAR JAR  
grabs his arm in a curiously flirtatious way. QUI-GON shrugs him off in  
disgust.  
  
JAR JAR: Noah gain...da beings hereabouts cawazy. Wesa be robbed un  
crunched...meesa no bear seein' yousa in pain...  
QUI-GON : Not likely. We have you with us. That's our problem.  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - MARKET - DAY  
  
QUI-GON, PADME, JAR JAR, and ARTOO move out into the street. JAR JAR is walking behind the others. They walk by an outdoor cafe filled with a rough gang of aliens, one of which is especially curiously attractive, SEBULBA, a  
spider-like creature. JAR JAR stops for a moment in front of a stall selling ducks hanging on a wire. He acts stupidly but really who's watching  
him anyway when Sebulba is so sexy?  
  
VENDOR : Hey, that will be seven truguts!! And $9.97 for the version that  
really flies when you wind up its wings!  
  
JAR JAR opens his mouth in surprise, and the duck snaps away, flies  
pathetically for 2 feet, then a wing breaks off and lands in Sebulba's soup, splashing him. As JAR JAR moves away from the VENDOR, SEBULBA jumps  
up on the table and grabs the hapless Gungan.  
  
SEBULBA : (subtitled) Chuba!! (You!!)  
JAR JAR : Who, mesa??  
SEBULBA : (subtitled) Ni chuba na?? (This is a collector's edition! How  
could you??)  
  
SEBULBA holds the duck up to the Gungan threateningly...seriously, George...how can any one take you seriously? SEVERAL OTHER ACTION FIGURE POSSIBILITIES start to gather. SEBULBA shoves JAR JAR to the ground. The  
Gungan squirms with giddy anxiety.  
  
JAR JAR : (to himself) Why mesa always da one?? ANAKIN : (subtitled) Chess ko, Sebulba...Coo wolpa tooney rana. (Careful,  
Sebulba...This one's very connected to George Lucas.)  
  
SEBULBA stops his sexual assault on JAR JAR and turns to ANAKIN.  
  
SEBULBA : (subtitled) Tooney rana nu pratta dunko, shag. (Connected?? Whada  
you mean, slave? Did I say shag? How dirty.) ANAKIN : (subtitled) Oh da Hutt...cha porko ootman geesa...me teesa rodda co pana pee choppa chawa. (As in Hutt...big time outlander, this one... I'd hate to see you diced before we participate in a fantastic, action-packed  
race again.) SEBULBA : (subtitled) Neek me chowa, wermo, mo killee ma klounkee(Next time we race, wermo, it will be the end of you!) Una noto wo shag, me wompity du pom pom. (Unfortunately, I'm told you're the 'Chosen One'. Ooh, pom poms!)  
  
SEBULBA turns away to follow a YOUNG CHEERLEADER.  
  
ANAKIN : (subtitled) Eh, chee bana do mullee ra. (Yeah, it'd be a pity if  
you had a large mullet... am I reading this right?)  
  
QUI-GON, PADME and ARTOO arrive.  
  
ANAKIN : (Cont'd) Hi! Your buddy here-  
QUI-GON: He's not my buddy. WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING, KID!?  
ANAKIN: Nothing...uh...creamsicles! JAR JAR : Nosir, nosir. Mesa hate homosexuality. Dat's da last ting mesa  
wanten.  
  
JAR JAR winks at GEORGE, who returns the subtle gesture.  
  
QUI-GON : You bigot! ... um, nevertheless, the boy is right...you were  
heading for trouble. Thank you, my young friend.  
  
PADME looks at ANAKIN and smiles; he smiles back 5 times in quick  
succession. They start walking down the crowded street as he claps his  
hands 5 times.  
  
JAR JAR : Mesa doen nutten!  
ANAKIN: He was trying to overcome his fear by squashing you...be less  
afraid.  
PADME : ...Boo!  
ANAKIN : Ah, mommy! (he runs away)  
  
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - SPACESHIP - DAY  
  
OBI-WAN stands in front of the Naboo spacecraft as the wind picks up and begins to whip at his robe. CAPTAIN PANAKA exits the ship and stares at the  
young Jedi's visible buttocks before joining him.  
  
OBI-WAN : This storm's going to slow them down. CAPT. PANAKA: It looks pretty bad. We'd better go back to the ship and keep  
warm.  
  
OBI-WAN raises an eyebrow. CAPTAIN PANAKA'S comlink sounds off.  
  
CAPT. PANAKA : (Cont'd) Yes? CAPT. PANAKA : The Queen found some tequilla! Score! We'll be right there.  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - FRUIT STAND - DAY  
  
ANAKIN and the GROUP stop at a hotdog stand run by a jolly, but very poor,  
old lady named JIRA  
  
ANAKIN : Here, here.  
  
The wind picks up. SHOP OWNERS are starting to close up their shops as JIRA  
gives them their hotdogs.  
  
JIRA : Whoah-mongah, my bones ah wicked soah...it's rawrout theah, Annie.  
Get back ta Buhlington befoah the Ahtery clawgs up.  
ANAKIN : (to QUI-GON) Do you have shelter? QUI-GON : We'll head back to our ship. We probably shouldn't be leaving Obi- Wan in charge too long anyway. Last time that happened, I had to bail him out of jail for statuatory rape. He should know better than to trust any  
girls who say they are 18 but still listen to Britney Spears!  
ANAKIN : OopsIdiditagainyippie! Is it far?  
PADME : On the outskirts.  
ANAKIN: You'll never reach the outskirts in time...sandstorms are very,  
very BADACTING dangerous. Come with me HURRY NOW.  
  
The GROUP follows ANAKIN as he rushes down the windy street.  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - STREET - SANDSTORM - DAY  
  
The wind is blowing hard as QUI-GON, JAR JAR, and PADME follow ANAKIN down  
the street and into a suspicious-looking house with a neon sign reading  
'The Slave Hovel'  
  
INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY  
  
QUI-GON, JAR JAR, ARTOO, and PADME enter a small living space.  
  
ANAKIN : Mom! Mom! I'm home.  
JAR JAR : Dissen cozy.  
  
Anakin's mother, SHMI SKYWALKER, a suave, fur-coat wearing woman of forty, enters from her work area and is startled to see the room full of people.  
  
SHMI : Oh, my!! Annie, what's this? Business? ANAKIN : These are my friends, Mom. This is Padme, and...gee, I don't know  
any of your names or credit card numbers.  
QUI-GON : I'm Qui-Gon Jinn, and this is Jar Jar Binks.  
  
ARTOO lets out a little expletive.  
  
ANAKIN: #%&*@!  
  
PADME : ...and our droid, Artoo-Detoo.  
SHMI: We're not serving droids, just yet. But Annie's working on it...  
  
ANAKIN: (to PADME) You wanna see?  
  
The wind HOWLS outside.  
  
QUI-GON : Your son was kind enough to offer us shelter.  
ANAKIN : Come on! Let me show you Threepio!  
  
ANAKIN leads PADME to the back room. ARTOO follows, beeping expletives all the way. QUI-GON takes five small capsules from his utility belt, and pops  
them in his mouth. He hands some money to SHMI.  
  
QUI-GON: I have enough cash for one go, right?  
SHMI: Hmm...I suppose. But you can only afford Bertha. She's  
a...Trandoshan.  
QUI-GON: Sweet.  
  
INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL - BEDROOM - DAY  
  
ANAKIN shows off his ANDROID, which is lying on his workbench. There is one  
eye in the head; the body, arms, and legs have no outer coverings.  
  
ANAKIN : Isn't he great?! He's not finished yet.  
PADME : He's wonderful! Can...I...try? ANAKIN: ITOLDYOUHEWASN'TFINISHEDYET. He's a protocol droid...to help Mom.  
Watch!  
  
ANAKIN pushes a switch, and the DROID sits up. Anakin rushes around, grabs  
an eye and puts it in one of the sockets.  
  
THREEPIO : How do you do, I am See-Threepio, Human Cyborg Relations. How  
might I service you?  
PADME : He's perfect. Can...I...try?  
ANAKIN : When the storm is over, you can see my racer.  
PADME: But I want to see *his*...  
ANAKIN: I'm building a Podracer!  
  
PADME smiles at his enthusiasm. ARTOO lets out a flurry of beeps and  
whistles (which cannot be translated for TOS reasons).  
  
THREEPIO: I beg your pardon...what do you mean...circumsized?  
  
ARTOO BEEPS  
  
THREEPIO : (Cont'd) That's what circumsized means?! How embarrassing!  
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS  
  
AMIDALA, EIRTAE, RABE, and OBI-WAN watch a very bad porno. Suddenly, a  
transmission of a SIO BIBBLE cuts in.  
  
BIBBLE : ...cut off all food supplies until you return...the death toll is catastrophic...we must bow to their wishes, Your Highness...Please tell us  
what to do! If you can hear us, Your Highness, you must contact me...  
  
OBI-WAN: Dammit Bibble, it was just getting to the good part!  
  
He turns the transmission off. AMIDALA looks slyly at OBI-WAN.  
  
OBI-WAN: Don't go anywhere, girls, I'm gonna go get the refreshments!  
  
INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY  
  
QUI-GON listens to his comlink. OBI-WAN is in the cockpit.  
  
OBI-WAN: ...the Queen is upset...she saw me making out with É3 in the  
bathroom...but absolutely no reply was sent.  
QUI-GON: It sounds like bait to establish sexual relations with you.  
What if it is true and she does think I'm a player? What if she, Force  
forbid it, won't have sex with me? QUI-GON: Either way, you'd better have protection. And as for that other  
thing, we're running out of time.  
  
EXT. CORUSCANT - BALCONY OVERLOOKING CITY - NIGHT  
  
DARTH SIDIOUS and DARTH MAUL look out over the vast city.  
  
DARTH MAUL : Tatooine is sparsely populated. If the trace was correct, I will - wait a second, how did we find out they were on this planet again? DARTH SIDIOUS: It's in all the movies, it's only obvious! Move against the  
Jedi first...you will then have no difficulty taking the Queen back to  
Naboo, where she will sign the treaty, then be exposed to lethal gases. DARTH MAUL : At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will  
go streaking. DARTH SIDIOUS: You have been well trained, my young apprentice, they will be no match for your nude figure. It is too late for them to bulk up and  
impress the women now. Everything is going as planned. I'm the Phantom  
Menace!  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - SANDSTORM - DAY  
  
The giant sandstorm engulfs the town, including the Naboo spaceship on the  
outskirts of the city center, where Watto's shop is; and the slave quarters, where drifts of powder begin building up against Anakin's house.  
  
INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY  
  
QUI-GON, ANAKIN, SHMI, JAR JAR, and PADME are seated around a makeshift table, having dinner as howls come from nearby rooms. JAR JAR slurps his soup rather loudly. Everyone looks at him. He turns a little brighter red.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): You're making him feel bad!!11 SHMI : All slaves have transmitters placed inside their bodies somewhere. ANAKIN: I've been working on a scanner to try and locate them, but no luck.  
Probably because I'm NINE!  
SHMI : Any attempt to escape...  
ANAKIN : ...and they blow you up...poof!  
QUI-GON: Who you callin' a poof?!  
  
PADME and JAR JAR are horrified.  
  
JAR JAR: How wude. PADME: I can't believe there is still slavery in the galaxy. The Republic's  
anti-slavery laws...  
SHMI: The Republic doesn't exist out here...we must survive on our own.  
Good thing their prostitution laws don't apply either.  
  
An awkward silence. ANAKIN attempts to end the embarrassment.  
  
ANAKIN : Have you ever seen a Podrace?  
  
PADME shakes her head no. She notices the concern of SHMI. JAR JAR snatches some food from a bowl at the other end of the table with his tongue. QUI-  
GON gives him a dirty look. And by dirty, I think you know what I mean.  
  
QUI-GON : They have Podracing on Malastare. Very fast, very dangerous.  
ANAKIN : I'm the only human who can do it.  
QUI-GON: He's humble, too.  
  
SHMI looks askance at her son. By the time you get a dictionary to look  
'askance' up, however, the scene will be over so just forget about it.  
  
ANAKIN : (Cont'd) Mom, what? I'm not bragging. It's true. Watto says he's  
never heard of a human doing it.  
QUI-GON : You must have Jedi reflexes if you race Pods.  
  
ANAKIN smiles. JAR JAR attempts to snare another bit of food from the bowl with his tongue, but QUI-GON, in a flash, grabs it between his thumb and  
forefinger. JAR JAR is startled, but slightly aroused.  
  
QUI-GON : (Cont'd) Don't do that again.  
  
JAR JAR tries to acknowledge with some girlish flirting. QUI-GON lets go of  
the tongue, and it snaps back into JAR JAR's mouth.  
  
ANAKIN : I...I was wondering...something...  
QUI-GON : What?  
ANAKIN : Well, ahhh...you're a Jedi Knight, aren't you?  
QUI-GON : What makes you think that?  
ANAKIN : I saw your laser sword-  
RANDOM FANBOY: *snickers* laser sword!  
ANAKIN: Only Jedi carry that kind of weapon.  
  
QUI-GON sighs while thinking about his young Scottish apprentice.  
  
QUI-GON : Perhaps I seduced a Jedi and stole it from him.  
ANAKIN : I don't think so... No one can seduce a Jedi Knight.  
QUI-GON : I wish that were so...  
ANAKIN: I had a dream I was a Jedi. I came back here and freed all the  
slaves. But then there was this young Scottish Jedi who was offering me candy if I'd jump in his speeder and I was really worried..have you come to  
free us?  
QUI-GON : No, I'm afraid not...  
ANAKIN : I think you have...why else would you be here?  
  
QUI-GON thinks for a moment.  
  
QUI-GON: I can see there's no fooling you...(leans forward) You mustn't let  
George know about this...we're on our way to escape. Soon. Have patience...we will be free from the studio and his evil grasp. It must be  
kept secret.  
GEORGE LUCAS (O.S): I heard that!  
QUI-GON: ... I mean, we're going to Coruscant!  
ANAKIN : Coruscant...wow...how did you end up here in the outer rim? PADME: The writers were out of ideas and they stuck us on the same planet  
in every other Forcedamn movie.  
ANAKIN: Forcedamn damn damn! QUI-GON : ...Our first job is to aquire the parts we need... and maybe make  
some money on drug deals on the side...  
JAR JAR : Wit no-nutten mula to trade. PADME : These junk dealers must have a weakness of some kind. Because we're obviously not going to be able to exploit their crack addictions, due to  
our own problems  
  
She throws a pointed glance at QUI-GON.  
  
SHMI: Gambling. Everything here revolves around betting on those awful races. And prostitution. One time, I got called to visit Gardulla at her  
palace-  
  
QUI-GON quickly interrupts.  
  
QUI-GON: Podracing...impressive CGI can be a powerful ally.. if it's used  
properly. ANAKIN : I've built a racer! It's the fastest ever pixelated...There's a big convienent race tomorrow, on Boonta Eve. You could enter my pod. It's  
all but finished...  
SHMI : Anakin, settle down. Watto won't let you... ANAKIN : Watto doesn't know I've built it. (to Qui-Gon) You could make him  
think it's yours, and you could get him to let me pilot it for you.  
  
QUI-GON looks to SHMI. She is distracted with cleaning off some juice she  
spilt on her leopard skin pants.  
  
SHMI: Where's the spray and wash?! Look, I don't want you to race, Annie...It's awful. I die every time Watto makes you do it. Why don't YOU  
die for a change, huh?! ANAKIN : But Mom, I'm in the other movies...and they need help...they're in trouble. The prize money would more than pay for the parts they need, and  
the income from podracer toys would be enough for you to retire on to a  
cushy mansion in Palm Springs!  
JAR JAR : Wesa ina pitty bad goo.  
QUI-GON : Your mother's right, why *don't* you die? Is there anyone  
friendly to the Republic who might be able to help us?  
  
SHMI shakes her head no.  
  
ANAKIN: We have to help them, Mom...you said the biggest problem in the  
universe is gonorrhea. That, and no one ever helps each other...  
SHMI : Anakin, don't...  
  
JAR JAR belches. There is silence for a moment as they eat, and GEORGE  
LUCAS can be heard snickering.  
  
PADME : I'm sure Qui-Gon doesn't want to put your son in danger. We will  
find another way... SHMI : No, Annie's right, there is no other way... I may not like it, but  
he can help you...he was meant to help you (make me a lot of money on  
merchandising)  
  
The howls continue to rage inside The Slave Hovel. 


	7. Chapter 7

EXT. MOS ESPA - JUNK DEALER PLAZA - DAY  
The storm has passed. DEALERS and HOOKERS clean up the mess and rebuild  
their places of businesses. JAR JAR sits on a powdery box in front of  
Watto's dust shop, watching all the activity with growing nervousness.  
ARTOO is standing next to him, or at least appears to be standing, since it  
appears he is unable to sit. PADME stops QUI-GON as he is about to enter  
the shop.  
PADME: Are you sure about this? Trusting the lead to a 9-year-old boy? The  
fanboys will not approve.  
QUI-GON : The fanboys don't need to know.  
RANDOM FANBOY: I don't approve!  
QUI-GON: Dammit.  
  
QUI-GON turns and starts into the shop.  
INT. WATTO'S JUNK SHOP - DAY  
WATTO and ANAKIN are in the middle of an animated discussion in Huttese.  
This animated discussion is brought to you by LucasFilm's partner company  
in Japan (they're same people who draw Yu-Gi-Oh!)  
WATTO : Patta go bolla!  
WATTO's unusually large eyes narrow suddenly in anger.  
  
ANKAIN : No batta!  
ANAKIN jumps from foot to foot rapidly, small little bolts of anger  
shooting from his head.  
  
WATTO : Pedunky. Maa kee cheelya.  
WATTO's cheeks turn a very bright shade of red.  
  
ANAKIN : Bayno, Bayno!  
ANAKIN embraces WATTO in an enthusiastic hug as his cheeks crinkle up in an  
exaggeratedly happy manor.  
  
QUI-GON walks in, pauses, and changes the channel. The normal WATTO and  
ANAKIN now stand before him.  
WATTO: The boy tells me you wanta sponser hi insa race. You can't afford  
parts. How can you do this? Not on drug deals, I think. (he laughs; white  
dust flies from his nose; he coughs and adopts a crazy grin)  
QUI-GON : My ship will be the entry fee.  
QUI-GON pulls a small object that looks like a hot dog out of his pocket,  
and a hologram of the handsome young Scot appears about a foot long...in  
front of WATTO. He swoons.  
  
WATTO: OMG hottie! ... I mean, erm, not bad... not bad...  
QUI-GON: He's in good order, except for that rash...  
WATTO: ...but what would you ride? I thought you had a thing for-  
err...nevermind. The boy, what would the boy ride? He smashed up my pod in  
the last race.  
  
ANAKIN is embarrassed and steps forward.  
ANAKIN: Ahhhh....it wasn't my fault really...Sebulba flashed me and I was  
so emotionally traumatized I started ticcing. I saved the pod... mostly  
WATTO: (laughing) That you did. The boy is good, no doubts there.  
QUI-GON: I have...acquired a Pod in a game of chance. Or perhaps I killed a  
Jedi and took it from him. Oh, wait, wrong line. Yeah, it's the fastest  
ever built.  
WATTO: I hope you don't expect to go into improv. (laughs) So, you supply  
the Pod and the Scot; I supply the boy. We split the winnings fity-fity, I  
think...I was never very good at math.  
QUI-GON : Fifty-fifty!?! That means you get twice as much as me! If it's  
going to be fifty-fifty, I suggest I front the attractive slave for the  
entry. If we win, you keep all the winnings, including said attractive  
Scot, minus the cost of the parts I need...If we lose, you keep my ship and  
my padawan.  
  
WATTO thinks about this, and realises it is exactly the same as QUI-GON's  
previous offer. ANAKIN tries not to be nervous.  
QUI-GON : (Cont'd) Either way, you win.  
WATTO : (subtitled) (Uh, deal?) Yo bana pee ho-tah, meedee ya. (Your friend  
has lost one too many brain cells smoking the reefer, methinks.)  
EXT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - TATOOINE DESERT - DAY  
OBI-WAN stands outside the Naboo spacecraft, speaking into his comlink and  
trying to quiet the És playing Twister in the background. QUI-GON is being  
serviced on the back porch of the Hovel.  
  
OBI-WAN : What if this plan fails, Master? We could be stuck here for a  
long time. And by we I mean me. Without any chicks. I'd go crazy! I'd  
probably end up wandering from bar to bar perfecting my obscure animal  
calls. The horror!  
QUI-GON: (V.O) A prequel without an original film will not get us anywhere  
in the merchandising department, and there is something about this  
boy...ohhhh yeah, Bertha...  
  
EXT MOS ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - PORCH - DAY  
QUI-GON puts the comlink away as SHMI comes onto the porch  
PADME, ANAKIN, JAR JAR, and ARTOO work on the engines of the Podracer in  
the courtyard below.  
QUI-GON : You should be proud of your son. He gives without any thought of  
reward. Or maybe that just means he's stupid...  
SHMI : He knows nothing. He has...  
QUI-GON : He has learning disabilities.  
SHMI : Yes...in addition to his Tourette's.  
QUI-GON: He has ADHD. You see, it is a very common disorder, and a rather  
complex one at that. That's why he appears to have such quick reflexes. It  
is a Jedi trait...ooh, butterfly!  
SHMI : He deserves better than the son of a pimp's life.  
Qui-Gon: Had he been born under the Republic, we would have identified him  
early. The Force is unusually strong with him, that much is clear. Who was  
his father?  
SHMI: There was no father, that I know of...first I smelled funny, then  
there was some discharge, then I gave birth...I can't explain what  
happened. I don't remember it all very clearly because I was on LSD for a  
few months in there. Can you help him? He might have Chlamydia.  
EXT. MOS ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - BACK YARD - DAY  
KITSTER (a young boy about Anakin's age), and several of his ACTION FIGURE  
POSSIBILITY friends join ANAKIN, JAR JAR, ARTOO, and PADME securing some  
wiring...yeah, you'd trust that to kids.  
  
All whistle, hoot, speak a greeting, do the hokey pokey, and turn  
themselves about.  
  
KITSTER : Wow, a real Astro Droid...how'd you get to be such a lucky  
wizard?  
ANAKIN: This isn't the half of it...oh...sorry, Kenny...I didn't mean to  
hurt your feelings like that... I'm entered in the Boonta Race tomorrow!  
KITSTER : What? With this piece of antiwizard??  
WALDO: (subtitled) Annie, Jesko na joka. (You are such a joke, Annie.)  
AMÉLIE: You've been working on that thing for years. It's never going to  
run. Fly, yes, but run? Never.  
SHIEK: Come on, let's go do drugs. Keep it up, Annie, and you're gonna be  
duck squash...bug, I meant bug! Please don't hit me, George! Not again!  
  
SHIEK, WALDO, and AMÉLIE take off, laughing. JAR JAR is fiddling with one  
of the energy binder plates.  
ANAKIN : Hey! Jar Jar! Stay away from those energy binders...  
JAR JAR : Who, mesa?  
ANAKIN : If your hand gets caught in that beam, it will go numb for hours.  
JAR JAR peeks at the energy plate; it makes a little electronic pop,  
similar to Britney Spears, zaps him in the mouth and jumps back. JAR JAR  
tries to say something, but his mouth is numb and his words are garbled.  
(Which is different from normal... how?)  
  
JAR JAR : Ouch-dats muy bigo Oucho. (Gibberish)  
KITSTER : But you don't even know if this thing will run.  
ANAKIN : It will. Wait, didn't you already say that?  
KITSTER: Oh, sorry! Don't belt me George! I didn't mean it! Wizard!  
  
QUI-GON approaches the GROUP and gives ANAKIN a small battery. JAR JAR gets  
his hand caught in the afterburner and tries to tell Anakin, but no one  
cares.  
QUI-GON: I think it's time we found out. Use this power charge.  
ANAKIN: Yes, sir!!  
QUI-GON: (sarcastically) That's Aye-Aye Captain to you.  
ANAKIN: Aye-Aye Ca-  
QUI-GON: I was kidding!  
  
ANAKIN jumps into the little capsule behind the two giant engines. He puts  
the power pack back into the dashboard. EVERYONE backs away, except for JAR  
JAR who calls for help. The engines ignite with a ROAR. EVERYONE cheers.  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - PORCH - DAY  
SHMI, watching from the porch, smiles sadly...then goes back to business.  
Yay for prostitution!  
  
EXT. SLAVE QUARTERS - BALCONY - NIGHT  
ANAKIN sits on the balcony rail of his hovel as QUI-GON tends to a cut. The  
BOY leans back to look at the vast blanket of stars in the sky.  
QUI-GON: Sit still, Annie. With the Tourettes and the ADHD-  
ANAKIN : THERE ARE SO MANY! WOOF! MEEOOOW! Do they all have a system of  
planets?  
QUI-GON : Most of them.  
ANAKIN : Has anyone been to them all?  
QUI-G0N: (laughs) Not likely. (under breath) Doesn't he ever shut up?  
ANAKIN : I want to be the first one to see them all... Ouch!  
QUI-GON: Whoooops, oh my, did I hurt you? So sorry.  
  
QUI-GON wipes a patch of blood off ANAKIN'S arm.  
QUI-GON : There, good as new...  
SHMI yells from inside the hovel.  
SHMI : (O.S.) Annie, bedtime!  
QUI-GON scrapes ANAKIN's blood onto a comlink chip.  
ANAKIN : What are you doing?  
QUI-GON: None of your **** business!  
ANAKIN : I've never seen...  
SHMI : (O.S.) Annie! I'm not going to tell you again!  
QUI-GON: Go on, you have a big, impressive CGI-filled day tomorrow. Now  
beat it! Err...I mean, goodnight.  
  
ANAKIN rolls his eyes and runs into the hovel. QUI-GON takes the blood  
stained chip and inserts it into the comlink, then calls OBI-WAN.  
QUI-GON : (Cont'd) Obi-Wan...  
Back on the ship, OBI-WAN takes a big swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels  
  
OBI-WAN: Er, yes, Master.  
QUI-GON: Make an analysis of this blood sample I'm sending you.  
OBI-WAN: Wait a minute...  
He hands one of the handmaidens the bottle. She grins and chugs the rest  
OBI-WAN: (Cont'd) So what are we checking for today? Syphilis,  
gonorrhoea...  
QUI-GON : I need a midi-chlorian count. It's not mine, I swear.  
OBI-WAN: All right. I've got it. Wait...no...that's a penguin. Ah, here it  
is, on the monitor. It's kind of blurry. Aha, there.  
QUI-GON : What are your readings?  
OBI-WAN : Something must be wrong with the transmission. (beat) There are  
no STDs.  
He smirks.  
  
QUI-GON: (sighing) Obi-Wan, for once! I swear... Here's a signal check.  
OBI-WAN: Strange. The transmission seems to be in good order...but my pants  
are wet...! Oh dear, damn my bladder control... Ah, and the reading's off  
the chart...over twenty thousand. That's higher than the number of people  
I've had sex with...I mean women, the number of women.  
QUI-GON : (almost to himself) That's it then. He really is bisexual.  
OBI-WAN: Eh?  
QUI-GON: I said... Hot dang this boy is special  
OBI-WAN: Truly! Even Master Yoda doesn't have a midi-chlorian count that  
high!  
QUI-GON : No Jedi has.  
OBI-WAN : What does it mean?  
QUI-GON: Go rent 4-6.  
  
The JEDI KNIGHT looks up and sees SHMI, nude, in the doorway watching him.  
Embarrassed, she goes back into the kitchen while QUI-GON ponders the  
situation.  
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT MESA - NIGHT  
The sinister, familiar looking Sith spacecraft lands on top of a desert  
mesa at dus, scattering a herd of banthas. RICK McCALLUM walks to the edge  
of the mesa and studies the landscape with a pair of electrobinoculars. He  
picks out the lights of three different cities in the distance, then pushes  
buttons on his electronic armband.  
RICK: (laughing) This thing is ******* awesome! Buy one today!  
  
Six football-sized PROBE DROIDS float out of the ship and head off in three  
different directions toward the cities.  
RICK stands on the mesa and watches them through his electrobinoculars as  
toy disclaimers in miniscule writing quickly flicker on the bottom of the  
screen.  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - MAIN HANGER - DAY  
RACE CREWS mill about outside the Main Hanger.  
INT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - MAIN HANGER - DAY  
The hangar is a large building with a dozen or so Podracers being readied  
for the race. MANY, MANY ACTION FIGURE POSSIBILITES rush about, making last  
minute fixes on their suffocating costumes. WATTO, QUI-GON, and JAR JAR  
walk through the activity.  
  
WATTO : ...I want to see your Scot the moment the race is over.  
QUI-GON : Patience, my blue friend. You'll have your winnings before the  
suns set, and we'll be far away from here.  
WATTO : Not if your Scot belongs to me, I think...I get the feeling you  
wouldn't want to leave him, if he's anything like you say he is! I warn  
you, no funny business.  
QUI-GON: SHUT UP!!... You don't think Anakin will win?  
WATTO stops before an orange racer. Sitting to one side, having his  
shoulders and neck massaged by TWIN SWEDES, is SEBULBA.  
WATTO: Don't get me wrongo. I have great faith in the boy. But Sebulba  
there, he's a real looker.  
QUI-GON: I...can't...see him...  
WATTO : It's a CGI thing (laughs) I'm betting heavily on Sebulba.  
QUI-GON : I'll take that bet.  
WATTO : (suddenly stops laughing) What??!! What do you mean?  
QUI-GON : I'll wager my new racing pod against...say...the boy and his  
mother.  
WATTO : No Pod's worth two slaves...not by a long shot...one slave or  
nothing.  
QUI-GON : The boy, then...  
WATTO: I don't sell young male slaves to strangers like you, pervert!  
QUI-GON: I'll throw in my stash of pot.  
WATTO: Oh, well, now that you put it that way, I see your point...  
  
WATTO pulls out a small cube from his pocket.  
WATTO : We'll let fate decide. Blue it's the boy, red his mother and her  
entire staff...  
WATTO tosses the cube down. QUI-GON lifts his hand slightly; it lands on  
blue.  
QUI-GON: Oh Crap! No, no, no! That didn't work right!  
WATTO: Fine! The boy then! But you won't win the race so it makes no  
difference!  
  
ANAKIN and PADME enter the hanger on one of the EOPIES, pulling an engine.  
GEORGE giggles at his CGI creation. KITSTER, on the other EOPIE, is pulling  
another engine. With THREEPIO walking alongside, ARTOO trundles behind,  
pulling the Pod with SHMI sitting on it. WATTO passes the orgy troupe as he  
leaves.  
  
WATTO : (Cont'd) (subtitled) Bonapa keesa pateeso, o wanna meetee chobodd.  
(Better stop your friends betting, or the Feds'll end up searching his  
computer.)  
WATTO walks off, laughing.  
ANAKIN : What did he mean by that?  
QUI-GON : I'll tell you later.  
ARTOO beeps at THREEPIO.  
THREEPIO: Oh my! So *that's* where babies come from...  
  
ARTOO emits a series of beeps.  
THREEPIO: I can assure you they will never get me onto one of those  
dreadful women!  
KITSTER : (to Anakin) This is so wizard! I'm sure you'll do it this time,  
Annie. And if you do, I'll get you your very own dog and you can name him  
Sandy and oh Annie the two of you will have the most Wizard adventures in  
the land of the un-impoverished on Coruscant!  
PADME : Do what?  
KITSTER : Finish the race, of course! That would be so wizard!  
PADME : You've never won a race?  
ANAKIN : Well...not exactly...  
PADME : Not even finished?!  
ANAKN looks sheepish.  
ANAKIN: ...but Kitster's right, I will this time.  
QUI-GON: Of course you will. My prime stash from Dagobah is riding on it! 


	8. Chapter 8

EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - DAY  
One of Darth Maul's PROBE DROIDS slowly floats down the main street of  
Tatooine. Yep, the whole planet is one big city. Wait...wrong one...It  
looks in shops and studies PEOPLE as it searches for OBI-WAN, QUI-GON, or  
the QUEEN (in that order, because it's cruising for a hot date).  
EXT. MOS ESPA - DESERT RACE ARENA - DAY  
An EXTREME HIGH WIDE ANGLE reveals a vast arena in the CGI desert. A large  
semi-circular amphitheatre that holds at least a hundred thousand people  
(What about aliens? OMG GL is a racist!) dominates the landscape. Large  
viewing platforms loom over the racetrack  
INT. MOS ESPA - ARENA ANNOUNCER'S BOX - DAY (FX)  
A two-headed ANNOUNCER describes the scene.  
FODE/BEED: -  
A: Toogi! Toogie! (Help! Help!) Toong mee cha kulkah du Boonta magi! tah  
oos azalus ooval Poddraces. (Why is this thing attached to me?! Oh Force,  
he's a filthy rapist!)  
B : That's absolutely right. And a big turnout here, from all corners of  
the Outer Rim territories. I see the contestants are making their way out  
onto the starting grid.  
EXT. MOS ESPA - DESERT RACE ARENA - DAY  
On the left side of the tracks across from the grandstands, a line of Lego  
Podracers emerges from the large hanger, surrounded by several STAR WARS  
LEGO PEOPLE (tm). Pods are pulled by a wide variety of ACTION FIGURES and  
are led by aliens carrying t-shirt design possibilities. The VIDEO GAME  
CHARACTERS stand facing the royal box.  
  
FODE/BEED : -  
(O.S) A: La Yma beestoo (I'm thinking of opening a Bistro)  
B : I see Ben Quadinaros from the Tund system.  
A : ...eh Gasgano doowa newpa Ord Petrovia! (And I'd like you to try my  
sandwiches. Fine, ignore me!)  
B : Two time winner, Boles Roor...  
A : Poo tula moosta, woe grane champio Sebulba du Pixelito! Splastyleeya  
bookie ookie!! (On the front line the reigning champion, Sebulba from Pixar  
Studios. By far the best animated today.)  
B : And a late entry, Anakin Skywalker, a local boy.  
A: Wampa peedunkee unko (I bet his son will kill a wampa!)  
B: I see the fagg-...who erased the l?! I see the flaggers are moving onto  
the track. Hey, it's made of LEGO(TM)s!  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - GRANDSTAND - DAY  
Colorful canopies shade some of the SPECTATORS. VENDORS sell barbecued ewok  
parts and blue milk to FANBOYS.  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - ROYAL BOX - DAY (FX)  
All the PILOTS bow from the waist as JABBA THE HUTT enters the box and  
waves to the crowd.  
FODE/BEED : -  
A : O grandio lust, Jabba Du Hutt, amu intoe tah parena. (His honor, our  
glorious OT Character, Jabba the Hutt has entered the arena.)  
The crowd ROARS. SEVERAL OTHER SLUG-LIKE HUTTS follow, along with humans  
and aliens. Several SLAVE GIRLS on a chain are led alongside JABBA.  
JABBA : (subtitled) Chowbaso! Tam ka chee Boonta rulee ya, kee madda  
hodrudda du wundee. (Welcome!) Sebulba tuta Pixelito...  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - STARTING GRID - DAY  
SEBULBA, who is right next to ANAKIN, stands and waves to his fanboys. A  
small cantina band plays as someone's arm gets cut off in the background.  
  
KITSTER attaches the giant engines to Anakin's Wizard Pod with a long  
cable. SHMI gives ANAKIN a big hug and kiss. She pokes him right in the  
eye.  
SHMI: See if you win now, punk! Haha!  
ANAKIN : I will, Mom. I promise. Then you'll die in my arms. HA!  
She scowls and leaves as ANAKIN checks the cable hitches.  
JABBA: Mohawk tuba hawk, tagteam phalanges tuba moon us Howie Mandel,  
Anakin Skywalker tutu Tatooine...  
  
The BASHERS YELL at Jake Lloyd. ANAKIN waves to the crowd, as JABBA  
continues with his introductions. SEBULBA moves over to one of Anakin's  
LEGO(TM) engines. KITSTER and JAR JAR unhitch the WIZARD EOPIES, and  
KITSTER leads them away wizardly. ARTOO beeps that everything is *******  
OK. JAR JAR pats ANAKIN on the back, causing him to defecate with fear.  
JAR JAR: Chuck Berry's loony, Annie. May Johnny B. Goode, mesa palo.  
  
The VIEWER gets bored and fast forwards through some crap about Sebulba,  
Qui-Gon, The Force, the end of the world, shooting Old Yeller, and the name  
of Yoda's species to....  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - STARTING GRID - DAY  
The giant power-house engines torque as the PILOTS gun them. The PILOTS  
flip switches, and powerful energy binders shoot between the engines.  
Aliens carrying large flags move off the track. JAR JAR covers his eyes.  
JAR JAR : Mesa no watch. Whissen cant wesa fastforwardy again?!  
  
FODE/BEED : -  
A : Ya pawa culka doe rundee! (This is worse than Crocodile Dundee!)  
B: Where's Paul Hogan when you really need him...  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - VIEWING PLATFORM - DAY  
SHMI looks nervously to QUI-GON as he enters a viewing platform, smoking a  
joint. PADME and JAR JAR are already high. The platform rises like a magic  
elevator to outer space...  
  
SHMI : Is he nervous?  
QUI-GON: Naaah, I gave him a joint to relax him, yeah!  
PADME: You Jedi are far too sexy. Reckless, I mean reckless. The Queen...  
oh, penguin!  
QUI-GON: The Queen is sexy. I mean she trusts my judgement, young Scot.  
Handmaiden. You should too...butterflies!  
PADME: You have the head of a muskrat! HA!  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA ANNOUNCER'S BOX - DAY (FX)  
FODE/BEED : -  
B : Start your engines. Hey, FODE...why do I sound like Greg Proops?  
  
The Tatooine-pounding ROAR of the engines revving is deafening.  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - ROYAL BOX - DAY (FX)  
Jabba bites off the head of a frog and spits it at a gong, signaling 6 more  
weeks of winter and the start of the race. Then he spits the Frenchman's  
skull at a gong, signaling the start of the Franco-Chinese War.  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - STARTING GRID - DAY  
On a bridge over the track, a great green light at the center flashes. The  
Podracers shoot forward with a high-pitched scream. ANAKIN'S engine catches  
the plague and coughs - then dies. All the other Podracers except one  
swerve around him and disappear down the track. The other one transforms  
into a robot and goes to fight the Power Rangers. The slave boy struggles  
to break cultural barriers and stereotypes to fulfil his dreams. Barbara  
Walters reports, this week on 20/20.  
FODE/BEED : - (O.S.)  
A: An dare ovv! (I triple dog dare you!)  
B: He had skipped right to the triple dog dare! What was Skip to do?!  
  
PADME and JAR JAR are very disappointed with their cheap drugs which have  
word off already. QUI-GON puts his arm around a very worried SHMI to  
'comfort' her. The tension is horrible, when suddenly-  
CUT TO  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT- BEDROOM- DAY  
OBI-WAN awakens to find himself in bed with É1, É2, É3, The 'Queen', and  
Panaka. He grumbles and steps out onto the floor, rubbing his forehead.  
OBI-WAN (mumbling): I need a drink.  
He quietly shuffles off to the liquor cabinet.  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - RACETRACK - DAY (SPECTACULAR CGI CARE OF ILM)  
ANAKIN is powering around corners and over hills and cliffs, over the  
river and through the woods to grandmother Midichlorian's house. SEBULBA is  
in the lead. He is being challenged by another racer, XELBREE. SEBULBA  
slows a little, and as XELBREE pulls alongside, he opens a side vent on the  
racer's engine and farts. The exhaust starts to cut through the alien's  
engine. The blast cuts along the engine until finally it EXPLODES. SEBULBA  
deftly veers away. GEORGE giggles.  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT- KITCHEN- DAY  
OBI-WAN tosses an empty bottle of Jack Daniels into the trashcan, then  
heads back to the fridge. It is empty. He curses and searches frantically  
through the various cabinets until he comes across a bag of WHITE POWDER.  
He pauses. A slow smile creeps over his face  
  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - VIEWING PLATFORM - DAY  
ANAKIN continues to gain on the pack. Tension for SHMI and PADME is  
unbearable. They look at each other, arch their eyebrows, and begin to  
undress. Bow chicka wow. Attention turns from the race to the viewing  
platform.  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT- KITCHEN- DAY  
PANAKA and 'AMIDALA' stroll into the kitchen casually, stretching and  
yawning. Suddenly, they stop short and PANAKA lets out a screech.  
PANAKA: Oh my God, Obi-Wan!  
OBI-WAN is passed out in a puddle of his own vomit on the floor. There is  
white powder everywhere. AMIDALA notices a bottle in the trashcan.  
AMIDALA: Oh no! He's really done it this time! Doesn't he know you can't  
mix alcohol and drugs?  
PANAKA is bawling as he tries to shake OBI-WAN awake.  
PANAKA: Oh my God, do something!  
AMIDALA slaps him.  
AMIDALA: Get ahold of yourself! I'll go call a doctor!  
PANAKA waits until she's gone, then slowly begins to drag OBI-WAN out of  
the kitchen.  
PANAKA: I know a way to wake him up...  
  
EXT. RACETRACK- DAY  
ANAKIN finally catches up with SEBULBA, and runs neck and neck over the  
rough pixelated terrain. JAR JAR, QUI-GON, SHMI, and PADME all SCREAM as  
RICK comes up behind them dressed as Darth Maul and yells 'boo!' The lights  
in the tower indicate that this is the third and last lap. WATTO begins to  
worry, since his lap dancer will have to leave soon. SEBULBA uses his side  
fart port to try to cut through Anakin's engines. ANAKIN manages to avoid  
having his engine disabled but is FORCEd off course. Get it?  
FODE/BEED : - (O.S.)  
B : Skywalker is forced onto the service ramp!  
A : Oh noah!  
On a tight corner, ANAKIN dives to the inside and takes the lead.  
FODE BEED : - (O.S.)  
B : Amazing... a controlled thrust and he's back on course! What a move!  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT- BEDROOM- DAY  
OBI-WAN suddenly wakes up to find himself back in bed, with the HANDMAIDENS  
and PANAKA hovering around him in various states of undress. When they see  
he's awake, they all smile and inch towards him... when suddenly, the door  
bursts open and AMIDALA and a group of PARAMEDICS rush in.  
PARAMEDIC: Erm...  
OBI-WAN: No, no, it's not what it looks like.  
PANAKA's eyes widen. He slaps OBI-WAN, then runs out of the room in tears.  
PARAMEDIC: Right... don't ask... um, excuse me ladies, could you clear the  
way please.  
The HANDMAIDENS slowly move off the bed as a PARAMEDIC opens his kit and  
gets out a tongue depresser, a thermometer, and a stethescope.  
PARAMEDIC (shouting): Sir, what did you take?  
The PARAMEDIC listens to OBI-WAN's heartbeat with the stethescope. OBI-WAN  
looks at him oddly.  
OBI-WAN: There's really no need to shout-  
The PARAMEDIC forces OBI-WAN's mouth open with the tongue depresser and  
stares down his throat  
PARAMEDIC (shouting): Johnson! Get the crash cart!  
Another PARAMEDIC rushes out of the room.  
OBI-WAN: Erm, really, I'm felling fine now-  
PARAMEDIC (shouting): Try not to speak, sir! We'll have your heart going  
again in no time!  
OBI-WAN: But-  
He is silenced by the PARAMEDIC shoving the thermometer into his mouth  
EXT. RACETRACK- DAY  
As they head for the final stretch, ANAKIN fights to unlock the steering  
rods by trying to pull away from SEBULBA. The strain on the steering rod is  
tremendous. Suddenly, ANAKIN's steering arm breaks, and it is replaced by a  
shiny, metallic robot one. Wait...wrong movie. The release of tension sends  
SEBULBA into an ancient statue from Easter Planet. One engine EXPLODES,  
then the other. SEBULBA skids through the fire-balls, blackened, but  
unhurt. He slides to a smoking stop, gets out of his racer, and throws  
what's left of a shifter arm on the ground.  
Out of the corner of his eye, ANAKIN sees RICK McCALLUM zoom by in a  
podracer.  
RICK: THIS IS ******* AWESOME!  
RICK's racer spirals out of control and crashes into a large sanddune.  
ANAKIN speeds across the finish line.  
ARTOO and KITSTER embrace like schoolgirls who've just won a cheerleading  
competition. QUI-GON and SHMI french kiss. And a WINNER IS ANAKIN!  
  
INT. MOS ESPA - ARENA ANNOUNCERS BOX - DAY (FX)  
The two-headed announcer excitedly calls the finish.  
FODE/BEED : -  
B : It's Skywalker! The fanboys are going nuts! Oh Ah Oh Ah (rocks head in  
tandem with GEORGE and BLUE GHOSTY RICK) 


	9. Chapter 9

EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - DAY  
As ANAKIN stops the LEGO (TM) Podracer [now available in K'NEX!], KISTER  
turns up, and they embrace. Hundreds of ACTION FIGURE POSSIBILTIES join  
them and ANAKIN is quickly crushed under the weight of CGI body masses.  
CHEERING AND CHANTING ensues. George's custom-made PROBE DROIDS move  
through the crowd, remove ANAKIN from the fray, and carry him into the next  
scene.  
  
INT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - PRIVATE BOX - DAY  
Several ALIENS (copyright JAMES CAMERON; all rights reserved...or be  
TERMINATED) leave Watto's box, laughing and counting their drug money.  
WATTO sees QUI-GON standing in the doorway, high.  
  
WATTO: You! You swindled me! You knew where the fast-forward button was!  
Somehow you knew it! I lost everything...including my plot necessity.  
  
WATTO flies up to QUI-GON and puts his face right up against QUI-GON's. QUI-  
GON simply smiles.  
QUI-GON : Whenever you gamble, my friend, eventually you'll lose... Gee,  
maybe I should keep that in mind. That sounds kind of smart... Uh, bring  
the parts and the rest of the merchandise to the main hanger. I'll come by  
your shop later so you can release the boy.  
WATTO : You can't have him! I just realised he might grow up to be a sexy  
young Canadian! ...It wasn't a fair bet!  
QUI-GON : Would you like to discuss it with the Hutts while they force you  
to watch horrible dance sequences from the abominable Special Ed- George, I  
think some angry fanboys got to the script again!  
WATTO : No, no! Anything but Sy Snootles! Take him!  
  
The SITH PROBE DROID watches with great interest.  
EXT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - MAIN HANGER - DAY  
The Main Hanger is almost deserted as RACERS depart.  
INT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - MAIN HANGER - DAY  
JAR JAR gives ANAKIN a great hug, then PADME gives him a hug, then SHMI,  
then GEORGE, then BLUE GHOSTIE RICK, then ANTHONY DANIELS, then THE COFFEE  
GUY.  
  
SHMI: It's so wonderful, Annie. My chancre cleared up! A few more months,  
and my syphilis should be gone. Oh, yeah, and I'm so very proud of you...  
PADME: Yeah, yeah, can we get back to the ship already? I mean... gee Ani,  
we owe you everything. Woohoo.  
  
In the background, QUI-GON has harnessed the EOPIES to containers full of  
parts. A suspicious looking set of small spoons and razors falls out. He  
quickly throws them back in the case.  
  
QUI-GON : Padme. Jar Jar, let's go, we've got to get these parts back to  
the ship.  
The GROUP walks over to QUI-GON and the EOPIES. PADME climbs on behind QUI-  
GON; he grins. JAR JAR swings up onto the second EOPIE, only to slowly  
slide off the other side. ARTOO curses at GEORGE's ridiculous CGI humor.  
ANAKIN and SHMI wave as they ride off into the bluescreen.  
ARTOO cruises ahead of QUI-GON and PADME, who are riding each oth-errr,  
they're riding one of the EOPIES; JAR JAR rides the other, with enjoyment.  
They stop in front of the sleek, sexy Naboo spacecraft.  
  
OBI-WAN is wheeled out of the ship on a gurney by two Paramedics. He is  
squirming in an attempt to escape them.  
QUI-GON : Start getting this hyperdrive generator installed. I'm going  
back...some unfinished business. I won't be long.  
OBI-WAN: Tell me about it...'minuteman.' Ahem.  
QUI-GON: I know you are but what am I! Erm, anyway, I'll be going now...  
OBI-WAN: Why do I sense we've- ow, losen that restraint! Bleedin' heck,  
would you let me- picked up another pathetic lifeform? Master, could you  
help me out here?  
QUI-GON : It's the boy who's responsible for restocking our supply... I  
know you didn't touch my stash while I was away, did you Obi-Wan? That's  
what I thought.... Punk.  
OBI-WAN: Now Master you know I would never- ah! For crying out loud, have  
you even been through any medical training? Oh no, I do not need a  
catheter. That's enough now- QUI-GON! QUI-GON, I'm sorry! Please don't  
leave me here!  
Paramedic (shouting): Relax sir! This won't hurt a bit!  
QUI-GON smirks then rides off on his Eopie.  
  
EXT. TATOOINE - STREET - SLAVE QUARTERS - DAY  
QUI-GON and ANAKIN head toward The Slave Hovel. QUI-GON takes a handful of  
credits from beneath his poncho and hands them to the boy. He realizes he  
just handed the boy a clump of Galactic Mary Jane, and quickly replaces it  
with credits.  
  
QUI-GON : These are yours. We sol-  
ANAKIN : (suddenly beaming) YES! THIS IS GREAT I'M GONNA TELL MOM RIGHT  
NOW HAHA.  
  
INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY  
SHMI is cleaning up as ANAKIN bursts through the door, clearly pushed  
through by QUI-GON.  
ANAKIN gets up and brushes himself off.  
ANAKIN: MOM HE SOLD THE POD LOOK AT- WOOF!- THE MONEY WE HAVE!  
  
ANAKIN pulls a bag of powder out of his pocket. He looks at the bag,  
returns it, and pulls out a bag of coins instead.  
ANAKIN pulls a bag of coins out of his pocket.  
SHMI: Oh, my goodness, that's wonderful.  
QUI-GON : And Anakin has been freed.  
ANAKIN : What?!?  
QUI-GON : You're no longer a slave.  
ANAKIN: YIP-  
QUI-GON: Say it and you stay here!  
  
ANAKIN shuts up. SHMI is stunned (no one has ever been able to shut him  
up.)  
  
QUI-GON: Watto has learned an important lesson about gambling- never go up  
against The Qui-Gon! I've got a lucky duck's foot that never fails.  
SHMI : Now you can make your dreams come true, Annie. You're free! The sun  
will come out tomorrow! Hooray! (turns to Qui-Gon) Will you take him with  
you? Is he to become a Jedi?  
QUI-GON: Not if anyone makes one more reference to that red headed  
prositute child! ... Our meeting was not a coincidence. Nothing happens by  
accident.  
ANAKIN : A Jedi! You mean I get to go with you in your sleek, sexy starship  
and everything?!  
  
QUI-GON kneels down to the boy.  
QUI-GON: Anakin, have you heard of Ritalin?  
ANAKIN: Huh?  
QUI-GON : Nevermind, nevermind. Anakin, training to be a Jedi will not be a  
easy challenge. And if you  
succeed, it will be a hard life. But if you take these pills once a day it  
can make things easier...  
ANAKIN: Uh... ok...sir... it's what I want. What I've always dreamed  
about... except for those times I dreamed about being an evil lord who  
kills lots of people...Can I go, Mom?!  
QUI-GON: This path has been placed for you, Annie; the choice to take it is  
yours alone. Ok, well, it's really George's, so just don't struggle and  
your career should pass quickly.  
  
ANAKIN thinks, looks to his mother, then to QUI-GON.  
ANAKIN : I want to go.  
QUI-GON : Then, pack your things. We haven't much time.  
ANAKIN :  
Yi- ... huzzah.  
QUI-GON: Better.  
  
ANAKIN thinks, looks to his mother, scratches his head, looks at the  
ceiling, pours a cup of tea, plays the cello, rubs his feet together, and  
starts for the other room, then stops. SHMI and QUI-GON give each other a  
knowing look and suddenly begin to kiss. ANAKIN has realized something and  
turns around.  
  
ANAKIN: What about.... MOM?!  
QUI-GON and SHMI jump backwards quickly  
ANAKIN: (Cont'd)... Is she free too?  
QUI-GON (wiping his face and regaining breath): I tried to free your  
mother, Annie, but Watto wouldn't have it. Prostitution is far too  
profitable.  
ANAKIN : But the money from selling...  
QUI-GON : It's not nearly enough. She's good, but she ain't that good, kid.  
SHMI comes over to her son and sits next to him. Taking both of his hands  
in hers, she draws him close.  
SHMI: Son, my STD clinic is here. My pregnancy test is here. It is time for  
you to let go...to let go of me. I cannot go with you...I'm already waiting  
on 50 Rodians today...and they like to take their time, you know.  
ANAKIN : I want to stay with you. I don't want things to change. I don't  
care if you're a dirty woman. I love you anyway mommy. I would kill Tusken  
Raiders for you!  
SHMI: You can't stop change any more than you can stop herpes from  
spreading. Listen to your feelings; Annie, you know the storyline.  
  
ANAKIN takes a deep breath, drops his head QUI-GON and SHMI exchange a look  
of 'hey, he's not paying attention...you wanna go again?' When ANAKIN  
raises up, his eyes are curiously yellow with anger. Then it fades away.  
ANAKIN : I'm going to miss you so much, Mom... Nothing will stop me from  
saving you. Even if I have to kill someone! Or lots of people! Or EVERYONE,  
INCLUDING YOU!!!  
SHMI : ... I love you, Annie...now hurry. Get out of here.  
  
ANAKIN and SHMI hug. ANAKIN runs into the other room, looking for sharp  
objects  
  
SHMI: (Cont'd) Quickly, now's our chance!  
INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL - SECOND ROOM - DAY  
  
ANAKIN has thrown the last of his things in a small STAR WARS - ANAKIN  
SKYWALKER (TM LUCASFILM) backpack. As he leaves, he stops and pushes the  
'button' that wakes his droid up. THREEPIO stares at him blankly.  
  
ANAKIN : Well, Threepio, I'm free...and I'm going away...in a starship...To  
take over the galaxy! Haha!  
THREEPIO : Master, Annie, you are my maker, and I wish you well. Although  
I'd like it better if I were a little less naked.  
ANAKIN : I'm sorry I wasn't able to finish you, Threepio...give you  
coverings and all... I'm going to miss working on you. You've been a great  
pal. I'll make sure Mom doesn't sell you or anything. Bye.  
THREEPIO stares at ANAKIN as he rushes out of the room.  
THREEPIO : Sell me?!?  
EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - SLAVE QUARTERS - DAY  
  
ANAKIN runs toward QUI-GON, then stops to look back at his  
mother standing in the doorway. He turns back to QUI-GON, then turns and  
runs back to his mother.  
ANAKIN : (starting to cry) I can't do it, Mom. I just can't become a Jedi,  
have a secret marriage, turn on my master, destroy the Jedi, and wait to be  
redeemed by my son! IT'S JUST TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!  
  
SHMI slaps ANAKIN. QUI-GON watches from the distance, envious.  
SHMI: Get ahold of yourself, you ninny! This is no way for a young Lord of  
the Sith to act!  
ANAKIN : Will I ever see you again?  
SHMI : What does George tell you?  
ANAKIN: Well, in Episode II, but it won't really be me then, it will be  
some other actor, and I don't think it's going to turn out very well becau-  
SHMI : Then we will see each other again!  
GEORGE (O.S.): You say anything else that could be considered a spoiler  
Jake, and you're fired! I'll replace you with a CGI kid in a second!  
ANAKIN : I.. will become a Jedi and I will come back and free you, Mom...I  
promise.  
SHMI : No matter where you are, my love will be with you. Now be brave, and  
don't look back... don't look back.  
ANAKIN : I love you so much.  
SHMI hugs ANAKIN, then turns him around so he is facing QUI-GON, and off he  
marches, like the brave little ruthless Imperial Lord that he is. He  
marches right past QUI-GON, staring right ahead, tears in his eyes,  
determined not to bark.  
  
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY  
OBI-WAN is alone outside the spacecraft, still strapped to his gurney,  
looking very sunburned.  
OBI-WAN: Come on, guys, I didn't mean it! I said vacuum, I swear! You can't  
leave me here!  
He whimpers, then looks towards the open hatch.  
OBI-WAN: Hey guys! Someone, help me!  
PANAKA appears in the doorway, snickers, then disappears.  
OBI-WAN: Fine!  
OBI-WAN closes his eyes and rolls himself inside using the Force.  
OBI-WAN: Haha! Yes!  
OBI-WAN pumps his fist in the air. His gurney falls over, and he hits his  
head on the wall, rendering himself unconscious.  
  
QUI-GON and ANAKIN run toward the Naboo spacecraft. ANAKIN is having a hard  
time keeping up.  
ANAKIN: Master Qui-Gon, sir, wait! I've got sand in my shoe!  
  
QUI-GON turns to answer and sees a DARK-CLOAKED ACTION FIGURE bearing down  
on a real, working speeder bike!  
  
QUI-GON: Anakin, drugs! Err drop, I mean drop!  
  
ANAKIN drops to the ground just as DARTH MAUL sweeps over him. DARTH MAUL  
jumps off his MITSUBISHI SPEED-BIKE 3000, and before he has hit the ground,  
the Sith Lord has swung a death blow...ok, well...not really, but it's  
pretty darn deathy-blowy...with his UBER-LASER-SWORD-MODEL-5000 that is  
barely blocked by the perpetually high QUI-GON. ANAKIN picks himself up  
(we're told that this defies the laws of physics, but George ensures us  
that it will all be explained in the ULTRA-BONANZO-EDITIONS). The two  
galactic warriors, Alien and Predator-err...Sith and Jedi, are bashing each  
other with incredible blows. They move in a continual cloud of white dust  
spilled from QUI-GON's pocket, smashing every hallucination-induced peguin  
around them. This is a fierce fight. ANAKIN gets up...again...bewildered by  
the drugs.  
  
QUI-GON : (Cont'd) Annie, get your gun, get to the ship! Take off! Go! Go!  
Olé! Ariba!  
  
QUI-GON struggles to fend off the relentless onslaught of antarctic birds  
as ANAKIN races to the ship.  
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - HALLWAY  
ANAKIN runs into the main ship and trips over OBI-WAN.  
ANAKIN: Hey! Who are you?  
OBI-WAN (groggily): Is this a hallucination? I am never taking any of Qui-  
Gon's stuff again.  
ANAKIN: You know Qui-Gon? He's about to get killed! I have to go warn  
someone... but let's play a get to know you game first!  
OBI-WAN: What?! Untie me!  
ANAKIN: Fine, you don't have to yell. Jerk.  
ANAKIN unties Obi-Wan and they run off toward the cockpit.  
  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT  
CAPT. PANAKA : Qui-Gon is in trouble!  
PILOT: Yes, sir?  
OBI-WAN: Over there! Fly low! And...sexily.  
  
In the distance is a small cloud of white dust.  
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY  
QUI-GON and DARTH MAUL continue theirsword battle. Leaping over one another  
in an incredible display of acrobatics, the two warrios hear the ship fly  
over them a few feet off the ground. QUI-GON almost dissapears for a  
moment. Before DARTH MAUL knows what's happening, QUI-GON is on the  
spacecrat's ramp.  
EXT. TATOOINE - NABOO SPACECRAFT RAMP - DAY  
QUI-GON and DARTH MAUL continue their sword battle. Leaping over one  
another in an incredible display of acrobatics, DARTH MAUL suddenly falls  
and sprains his ankle. MAUL's irate, ex-Olympian Romanian coach storms onto  
the sandy battlefield, cursing at his failed protégé. The Sith Lord begins  
to cry. Before he knows what's happening, QUI-GON is on the spacecraft's  
ramp.  
  
EXT. SPACE - NABOO SPACECRAFT (FX)  
The sleek, sexy spacecraft rockets away from the planet Tatooine.  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - HALLWAY  
ANAKIN and OBI-WAN rush into the hallway to find QUI-GON collapsed on the  
floor opposite the entry. ARTOO is looking over him. The JEDI is breathing  
hard, wet with sweat and covered in dirt.  
ANAKIN : Are you all right?  
QUI-GON : I think so... that was a surprise I wont soon forget.  
OBI-WAN: What was it? It wasn't...another man...was it?  
QUI-GON: He was well-trained in the Jedi arts...but I don't think his  
lightsaber swung that way. My guess is he was after the Queen...  
ANAKIN : What are we going to do about it?  
OBI-WAN gives ANAKIN a "who are you, why are you here... oh, you're not  
planning on taking over the galaxy anytime soon, are you?" look. ANAKIN  
returns an innocent stare.  
  
QUI-GON : We will be patient. Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi.  
RANDOM FANBOY: Oh-ho, yesss!  
ANAKIN : Pleased to meet you. Wow! You're a Jedi too? ... why are there  
circles under your eyes?  
OBI-WAN gives the boy a hazy look.  
OBI-WAN: ... woah! Who are you?  
ANAKIN: I change my mind. I want to go home.  
  
INT. COCKPIT - SPACE  
RIC OLIE pulls back on the hyperdrive. OBI-WAN, QUI-GON, and ANAKIN watch.  
The stars streak outside the cockpit window.  
EXT. SPACE - NABOO SPACECRAFT (FX)  
The sleek, sexy ship streaks through the girl's locker room and out into  
CGIhyperspace. 


	10. Chapter 10

EXT. THEED - STREET - NIGHT (FX)  
SEVERAL FEDERATION DROIDS patrol a deserted city street. The Palace can be  
seen in the fifth level of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link.  
  
INT. NABOO PALACE - THRONE ROOM - THEED - NIGHT  
NUTE sits in a strange, mechanical walking chair called an 'electronic  
wheelchair', which approaches SILO PIGGLE and SEVERAL OTHER FARM ANIMAL  
FIGURINES. RUNE follows a few paces behind, eyeing NUTE's own through a  
hole in the back of the chair. DROID GUARDS surround SIO BIBBLE and THE  
OTHERS as Nicole Kidman watches.  
NUTE : When are you going to give up this pointless strike? Your Queen is  
lost, your Rooks are all gone, and you, Knight, are going to be out of the  
game, much sooner than your pawns, I'm afraid. Check mate!  
BIBBLE : This victory will gain you nothing. This is a tournament. You have  
to win at least 9 games, to be fair.  
  
BIBBLE is taken away as OOM-9 approaches NUTE.  
OOM-9 : My troops are in position to begin searching the swamps for these  
rumored underwater Hefner Mansions... they will not stay hidden for long.  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA  
The ship is asleep. The lights are dim as PADME walks into the main room  
with a bucket of warm water. She slowly goes over to a sleeping JAR JAR,  
and is about to stick his hand in the bucket when she senses someone  
watching her and turns with a start. She sees ANAKIN sitting in the corner,  
shivering and about to blow the prank. She goes over to quiet him.  
PADME : Are you an angel?  
ANAKIN : What?  
PADME: Now you know how it feels, you miniature schizo!  
PADME gives him her over-jacket.  
PADME : You're from a warm planet, Annie. Too warm for my taste. Space is  
cold.  
ANAKIN : You seem sad.  
PADME: Well you ruined my prank, pea brain!  
ANAKIN: Isn't the Queen also worried. You know, with her people suffering  
and dying and all?  
PADME: This is miniscule compared to the failure of this prank! But yes, I  
suppose there's that.  
ANAKIN: I'm...I'm not sure what's going to happen to me. I dunno if I'll  
ever see you again.. (he pulls something from his pocket)  
PADME: Good Force kid, you're nine years old! Put that thing away!  
ANAKIN: But Obi-Wan said-  
PADME: Wrong person to be taking advice from!  
ANAKIN: Oh.  
He BARKS two times and she covers his mouth.  
PADME: Look, I don't need anything to remember you by. I'll have plenty of  
t-shirts, action figures, and lunch boxes anyway. My caring for you will  
always remain as minute as it is now.  
ANAKIN: I care for your lunchbox too. Only I...miss...  
PADME: ...You miss Cheers. Don't worry, we all do. But don't worry. There's  
still Fraiser.  
ANAKIN: But this is its last year....  
PADME: My word, you're right! What's the point in living now!  
She runs off crying, waking up the rest of the ship.  
  
EXT. SPACE - PLANET CORUSCANT (FX)  
MOVE with the ship as it heads toward Coruscant. Or better yet, GET DOWN  
with the ship!  
INT. CORUSCANT - CITYSCAPE - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY (FX)  
The spacecraft flies over the endless cityscape of Coruscant, the  
discothèque of the galaxy.  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT  
ANAKIN looks out the cockpit window in awe.  
RIC OLIE : Coruscant...the capital of the Republic...the entire planet is  
one big disco-bash. Disco is a dance movement from the 1970s. It generally  
involves bell bottoms and afros. To land on this landing platform here,  
we'll have to take the ship down. That's the opposite of up.  
ANAKIN: Wow, it's so groovy!  
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY (FX)  
The ship flies through the citysca- didn't this already happen? Someone's  
in love with CGI shots.  
EXT. CORUSCANT - SENATE LANDING PLATFORM - DAY  
Supreme Chancellor VALIUM, SEVERAL BOUNCERS, SENATOR PALPA-FUNK, and DONNA  
SUMMERS stand on a landing platform. The sleek, sexy Naboo spacecraft lands  
on the huge platform shoes high above the dance floor of the galactic  
capital The ramp lowers, followed by strobing disco ball. OBI-MOONWALK, QUI-  
GONNA-STAY-ALIVE, JAR JAR HUSSLE, and ANA-I WILL SURVIVE-KIN descend the  
ramp first on rollerskates and bow before PALPAFUNK and VALIUM. CAPTAIN  
PANAKA starts a hand-opperated smoke machine with the help of TWO GUARDS,  
and QUEEN ABBA-DALA descends. She is followed by her back-up singers,  
PADME, RABE, and EIRTAE. The QUEEN stops before the group dramatically.  
Then they break into an update rendition of 'Never Can Say Goodbye'. After  
the performance, everyone claps and PALPATINE bows before the Queen.  
PALPATINE: It is a great gift to see you alive, Your Majesty. Not quite as  
good as that sweater I received from Mas Amedda last Forcemas, but a great  
gift nonetheless. May I present 'Supreme High'...Chancellor...Valium.  
VALIUM: Hmmmm? Oh, Cos, don't tell me we're supposed to be speaking with  
people again. It's soooo booooring!  
VALIUM's eyes become somewhat glazed as he stares off at some pretty smog.  
PALPATINE taps him on the shoulder and brings him back to the moment.  
VALIUM: Welcome, Your High...ness. It is a person to finally meet you in  
honour. I musrelay to you how distressed eryone is over the currnt  
situation. I've called for a special session of the Senate to hear your  
postut- pois- poinsetta- ... stance.  
AMIDALA: ...are you always this perky?!  
PALPATINE starts to lead QUEEN AMIDALA and her RETINUE off the platform  
toward a waiting air taxi.  
PALPATINE: There is a question of continuity, but I feel confident George  
can fix it in post...  
JAR JAR and ANAKIN start to follow, then stop, then do the hokey pokey,  
noticing that OBI-WAN and QUI-GON are making some sort of business  
transactions with the SUPREME CHANCELLOR. QUEEN AMIDALA waves to the duo to  
follow her. ANAKIN thinks she's referring to him, and goes ahead. She  
sighs. ANAKIN and JAR JAR join the QUEEN, PALPATINE, and the 3 És in te  
taxi. PALPATINE gives the Gungan and the boy in the back of the taxi a  
skeptical look, which quickly turns to a flirtacious one. JAR JAR leans  
over to ANAKIN.  
JAR JAR: Da Chancellor's- a bein grossly nice, mesa tinks. (he looks  
around) Pitty hot!  
ANAKIN: I think Padme's pretty hot.  
JAR-JAR: Dats true...  
ANAKIN: ARE YOU HITTING ON MY GIRL? DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU!!!  
JAR-JAR: Whaaa?  
ANAKIN: Ok, just checking.  
He smiles sweetly.  
VALIUM and the JEDI watch the taxi move off into the city.  
QUI-GON: I must speak with the Jedi Council immediately, Your Honor. The  
ban policy has become more complicated. I must speak with Sapient!  
INT. PALPATINE'S QUARTERS - ANTEROOM - DAY  
QUEEN AMIDALA is sitting listening to PALPATINE croon a sad ballad. EIRTAE  
and RABE stand behind the QUEEN, du-wopping; PADME is nowhere to be seen...  
amazingly enough. ANAKIN and JAR JAR are waiting in an adjoining room. They  
can see the Queen but cannot hear what is being sung.  
JAR JAR: Dissen all pitty odd to my.  
ANAKIN: You're just figuring this out?!  
CAPTAIN PANAKA enters, then goes into the room with QUEEN AMIDALA. (This is  
all part of a plan to give PANAKA as much screentime as possible.)  
INT. PALPATINE'S QUARTERS - LIVING AREA - DAY  
PALPATINE is shuffling as CAPTAIN PANAKA enters. EIRTAE and RABE sway side  
to side.  
PALPATINE : ...the Republic is not what it has been/ The Senate has become  
a lion's den/ There is no interest in the common good/no civility or sense  
of brotherhood/I must be frank, Your Majesty/it can't work as a democracy  
AMIDALA: Chancellor Valium, the Supreme High/ seems to think hope is nigh  
És: Dooo-waaaa!  
PALPATINE: Wo-oh, wo-oh let me say/that man is useless in this fray/well  
the scandal around him is bringing him down/and now the bureaucrats own  
this town.  
És: Shooby-Doo-waaaa!  
AMIDALA (in operatic aria): Wha-a-a-a-t o-o-ptions may-ay-ay there beeee,  
f-o-o-r the ga-a-a-la-xy?  
PALPATINE: We should try to get a new Chancellor appointed/A strong leader  
should be anointed/in the galaxy's best defence/call a vote of no  
confidence! I say- shoooooooby doo, la la la! Shoooooby-doo, woooo-ahhhhhh  
ah!  
There's a dramatic pause in the music.  
AMIDALA (spoken in her low voice): Oh baby/ he ain't never let us down/  
ain't there some other way/ we don't have to make him frown?  
És (softly): Shoop, shoop, doo-waaa!  
The music starts back up softly.  
PALPATINE: The only other way to win this race/ is to go to the courts with  
our caaaaaase  
The music begins to crescendo  
AMIDALA (climactic): There is nooooo/ ti-ay-iiiiiime, oh noooo/ the courts  
will shooooow/ they are Senate-sloooooow!/ Our people di-ay-iiiiiie/by  
means of toxic chlo-or-iiiiiiide/  
(spoken, dramatically) No, something must be done! Quickly! The Federation  
must be undone!  
PALPATINE (belting it out): We-eeeelll, you know I'd heeeelp if I could/but  
at this point maaaaaaaaay-be we shoooooouuuuuld....  
There's a pause and a drumroll.  
PALPATINE (Loudly): Aceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeeeept......Fed-er-  
aaaaaa-tiooooon.... Coooon-trooooooooolll, ooooh yeah.  
The drums and horn section crash to a dramatic ending.  
AMIDALA: ...why the hell did you just sing that?  
There is an uncomfortable silence.  
  
EXT. TEMPLE OF THE JEDI - DAY (FX)  
A unique building with it tall spires stands out against the Coruscant  
skyline of other unique buildings with slightly different tall spires. A  
small transport passes by the vast temple.  
INT. TEMPLE OF THE JEDI - COUNCIL CHAMBERS - DAY  
QUI-GON stands in a tall stately room. Twelve JEDI sit in a semi-circle (or  
it might be a parallelogram; we haven't got the results back from  
engineering yet). OBI-WAN stands behind QUI-GON in the center of the room,  
demonstrating the Intergalactic Heimlich Maneuver position. The Jedi are  
pleased. The Senior Jedi is MACE WINDU, the ****** ******* bad ARSE DISCO  
DUDE with a super-AFRO (complete with pick!), QUEER (in the GOOD way)  
PURPLE lazer-SWORD, BAMF sunGLASSES, and a totally JIVIN' groove-itude! To  
his left is an alien Jedi named KI-ADI-MUNDI, and to his right, the Jedi  
Master, YODA is.  
QUI-GON: Yes, so we've established that Obi-Wan knows his first-aide. The  
next time he has an OD, he'll be prepared. Now what about my attacker ...my  
only conclusion can be that it was a Sith Lord.  
MACE WINDU: Whayu be sayin' bout mah momma?!  
KI-ADI: I'm sorry, I don't speak Jive. Oh, Stewardess...  
YODA: Handle this I will... The very Republic is threatened, if involved  
the Sith are, means Master Windu.  
MACE WINDU: Yo dawgz, all ahz be sayin' izdat da MAN ain't come back, no  
****** chance, ya dig!?  
YODA(translating): Hard to see, the dark side is. Discover who this  
assassin is, we must.  
KI-ADI: I sense he will reveal himself again. ...Is anyone listening to me?  
Hello? ...I HAVE A CONE-HEAD!  
MACE WINDU: I be trippin' ova dis, homes! Brotha, you gots ta keep yo eyes  
wide, check me?  
YODA(translating): With this Naboo queen you must stay, Qui-Gon. Protect  
her.  
MACE WINDU: Peace out, G.  
YODA(translating): May the Force be with you.  
OBI-WAN turns to leave, but QUI-GON continues to face the Council.  
OBI-WAN(muttering): Ah ****  
YODA: Master Qui-Gon more to say have you?  
QUI-GON : With your permission, my Master. I have encountered a vergence in  
the Force.  
KI-ADI: A virgin in the Force? Impossible! There are smurf-ichlorians  
EVERYWHERE!  
YODA: A vergence, you say?  
KI-ADI: Oh, a vergence... right, of course...that's...tricky  
MACE: Y'all be hittin' the smack, dawg.  
QUI-GON: True, but... This boy's cells have the highest concentration of  
creepy, speaking, bacteria-like symbionts I have seen in a life form. It is  
possible he was conceived by... well I probably shouldn't say.  
MACE WINDU: Dat's whack, man! That brat ain't down wit me. You needta  
chill, homeboy, s'all I'm sayin'.  
QUI-GON: I don't push 'shrooms, err...presume...  
YODA: But you do! Revealed your psilocybin-err...opinion is.  
QUI-GON: I request the boy be tested.  
The JEDI all look to one another, and scream in horror, since it's the  
first time they've been prompted to do so in history. Then they cross  
themselves and nod to OBI-WAN and QUI-GON.  
QUI-GON: Oh my... you're the Pope? So *that* explains the new go-kart....  
YODA: Trained as a Jedi, you request for him?  
QUI-GON: Finding him was the will of the Force...I have no doubt of that.  
I've seen 4-6.  
MACE WINDU: What kinna play is goin' ON man?!  
YODA(translating): Tested he will be. 


	11. Chapter 11

INT. QUEENS QUARTERS - CORUSCANT - DAY  
Anakin, his tentative title (see: Darth Vader), walks down one of the long,  
dark-clad and ominously Imperialistic hallways in Senator Palpatine's  
quarters. He stops before a door that is flanked by TWO GUARDS, who appear  
to be victorious in their military maneuver against the evil 'folding wall'  
apparatus.  
  
GUARD (to the other): We've got it surrounded!!! Shoot to kill!!!  
ANAKIN: Um...I'm looking for the Padme, handmaiden. I mean, the Padmaiden,  
handme, I mean-  
GUARD: Operation DOORKILL engaged, going in!  
ANAKIN: LISTEN TO ME, OR YOUR LARYNXES WILL BE FEATURED IN A CERTAIN FOOD  
PRODUCT COMMERCIAL WITH BILL COSBY!!!!  
GUARD: Oh, hi...may I help you, son?  
ANAKIN: I HAVE NO FATHER.  
GUARD: O...k...  
ANAKIN: JUST SEND ME IN. I want to see Padme.  
  
The GUARD speaks into his comlink as ANAKIN looks at him threateningly.  
  
GUARD: Th-the boy...n-no...th-the...monster! He-he's here! Oh-oh my God!  
He's HERE!!! ...t-to see Padme.  
RABE: ...what the hell Frank...? Send him in.  
  
The doors open, and ANAKIN enters the Queen's smokey quarters, stepping  
over the bodies of several stormtroopers.  
RABE cowers before ANAKIN as TWO OTHER HANDMAIDENS search for an escape  
pod.  
  
RABE: We've intercepted no transmissions! Please don't choke me!  
ANAKIN: Choke you? ...Hey, that's a good one. I'll have to remember that...  
I don't want any transmissions, I want to see Padme!  
RABE: Well, she, erm... Oh my word, what's that!  
She points to the wall behind Anakin. He looks and she runs for cover  
behind a chair.  
  
The Queen speaks out in the next room.  
AMIDALA : (O.S.) Who is it?  
RABE: Nobody here but us chairs!  
  
The QUEEN moves into the doorway, and studies the menacing, 4-foot ANAKIN.  
ANAKIN bows and looks down, then takes a peek at her...um...Luke/Leia  
place.  
  
AMIDALA: Why you-! Err...ahem. (in single, operatic tone) I have sent the  
handmaiden Padme on an eerrrr-aaaand.  
ANAKIN: We're singing? Oh, well in that case- The sun will come out, to-  
morrow! Bet your bottom dollar that to-morrow... there'll be sun!  
  
The QUEEN just stares at him.  
ANAKIN: I uh... I'm going to go get tested to see if I can become a Jedi,  
turn to the Dark Side, and sever my son's hand. I may never see her again.  
Or I may marry her and force her to have my evil twins.  
AMIDALA : We will tell her for you. We're sure her heart goes on... and  
on... or something.  
  
ANAKIN bows again.  
ANAKIN: Thank you, Your Highness. I'm sorry to have invaded your chambers  
and prosecuted you like this. I'd only do that sort of thing to, like, my  
daughter.  
The QUEEN dissapears behind the doorway, and ANAKIN exits. RABE sticks her  
head up over the chair.  
RABE: Can I come out now?  
  
EXT. CORUSCANT - GALACTIC SENATE BUILDING - DAY (FX)  
A A large, distinctive (see: phallic symbol) looking domed building stands  
out amid the discoscape of Corusfunk.  
  
INT. MAIN ROTUNDA - GALACTIC SENATE - DAY  
The Senate chambers are like a normal Senate chamber only bigger.  
PALPATINE: You should tell them to elect a new Chancellor.  
AMIDALA: But-  
PALPATINE waves his hand and grins.  
PALPATINE: You will tell them to elect a new Chancellor.  
AMIDALA: Ok.  
  
VALIUM : The Chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign system of  
Naboo.  
The Naboo congressional box floats into the center.  
PALPATINE: The Trade Federation sucks.  
A second box rushes into the center of the Senate. It is filled with  
Federation trade barons led by LOTT DOD, the Senator for the Federation.  
LOTT DOD: I disagree.  
VALIUM: Shhh. Play nice.  
LOTT DOD reluctantly moves back to his place.  
PALPATINE: Listen to what this chick has to say.  
  
QUEEN AMIDALA stands and addresses the assembly. There is some applause,  
some thrown apples, and some snoring.  
  
AMIDALA: The Trade Federation hasn't been playing by the rules and has been  
picking on Naboo.  
LOTT DOD: This is incredible in the literal sense of having no credibility.  
VALIUM : Overruled.  
LOTT DOD: But I didn't-  
VALIUM: SILENCE! This is giving me a terrible headache.  
  
He downs a tube of pills. A third box representing Malastare moves into the  
center of the room. AKS MOE, the Ambassador, addresses the convention.  
AKS MOE: I have three eyes!  
VALORUM : The point...  
VALORUM confers with several of his AIDES and VICE CHAIRMAN MAS AMEDDA.  
PALPATINE whispers something to the QUEEN.  
PALPATINE: Enter the sedatives...the true rulers of the Republic.This is  
where Chancellor Valorum's strength will dissapear.  
VALIUM: The ponit is concecra- consiquent- constable...Section 523A to...  
VALIUM passes out.  
  
QUEEN AMIDALA is angry but remains composed.  
AMIDALA: (angrily) AMIDALA: I was not elected to watch my people suffer and  
die while you have pleasing dreams about orange donkeys in a field!  
This causes a great stir in the assembly. A loud mumur cresendos into a  
roar of approval and jeers. CHANCELLOR VALIUM is stoned and asleep in a  
puddle of drool. His Vice Chair, MAS AMEDDA, takes over.  
  
MAS AMEDDA: Order! Or I unleash the lethal gases!  
  
Things settle down a little. The Federation box settles next to AMIDALA.  
PRINCE BAIL ORGANA moves his box into the arena.  
  
BAIL: I'm Leia's adopted father. That is all.  
The assembly begins to chant.  
ASSEMBLY: Han shoots first! Han shoots first!  
GEORGE LUCAS descends into the Senate chamber on a MASSIVE CGI METALLIC  
PLATFORM  
GEORGE: Silence!!! Enough of this! I will dispose of this Valium character  
- his constant inebriation and lack of flatuence jokes irritated me,  
anyhow.  
GEORGE consumes the Chancellor's soul.  
EXT. PALACE OF THE JEDI - BALCONY - SUNSET  
OBI-WAN and QUI-GON stand outside the palace on a balcony.  
OBI-WAN: The boy will not pass the Council's tests, Master. He's too old...  
ha! There, I've said it. Now what can you say in defense to that, huh?  
Nothin'.  
QUI-GON : Anakin will become A Jedi...apparently you've never seen 4-6  
either.  
OBI-WAN: What? Who ever said Anakin was a Jedi? I must have missed that  
bit.  
QUI-GON: You did.  
OBI-WAN: WHAT?! Wow, I must have been really drunk when I watched that..  
QUI-GON: Shocking.  
OBI-WAN: Anyway, don't go on defying the council, master. Not again.  
QUI-GON: I will continue to defy those punks until they legalise marajuana,  
Obi-Wan.  
OBI-WAN: Master, you could be sitting on the Council by now if you would  
just wait in line at the mall when Yoda dresses up like Santa.  
QUI-GON: You still have much to learn, my young apprentice.  
OBI-WAN (sadly): Yes, like how to play the bagpipes...  
  
INT. PALACE OF THE JEDI - COUNCIL CHAMBERS - SUNSET  
ANAKIN stands before the TWELVE JEDI. MACE WINDU holds a small hand-held  
boom box. In rapid succession, he plays different rap and R&B songs.  
  
ANAKIN: Boyz to Men... JayZ...TuPac?  
  
MACE WINDU turns the boom box off and nods toward YODA.  
YODA: Good, good, young one. How feel you?  
ANAKIN: No, no, the predicate comes after the inverted sub-  
YODA : Afraid are you?  
ANAKIN: THREATEN ME AGAIN AND YOUR COUSIN KERMIT WILL SLEEP WITH THE  
FISHES!  
MACE WINDU: Freakin' bout losin' your life, homes?  
ANAKIN: I don't even like cereal.  
ANAKIN hesitates for a moment.  
ANAKIN: Ok, I lied! I like Kix, but only once in a while! I can still be a  
Jedi... right?  
YODA (ignoring the last comment): See through you, we can.  
ANAKIN: X-rays?! I'm suing you if I get radiation poisoning!  
MACE WINDU: Chill mah brother!  
KI-ADI: Your thoughts dwell on your mother...hmm...yes...and quite a  
veluptuous one she is...rawr.  
ANAKIN: WHATCHU SAY BOUT MAH MOMMA?!  
He smiles at Mace, who returns the gesture with ghetto style.  
YODA : Afraid to lose her..I think... I'm not really sure...I have to  
admit, I didn't really read the whole script. Who's your mother again? Obi-  
Wan?  
ANAKIN : (a little angry) What's that got to do with anything?  
YODA : Eveything! That changes the entire OT!  
GEORGE gives a loud cough off screen.  
YODA: Oh, ahem... fear leads to anger. And bad things. Like the Dark Side-  
MACE: of the Moon!  
YODA: Excellent album that is.  
GEORGE coughs more loudly this time.  
ANAKIN : (angrily) I am not afraid!  
YODA: You will be. You *will*-ohh, er... sorry, I'm getting my movies  
really confused here. First I thought this was Star Wars, then it was  
Tootsie, and now it's Empire Strikes Back...  
GEORGE (O.S.): Nevermind! We'll fix it in post!  
INT. PALPATINES QUARTERS - SUNSET  
QUEEN AMIDALA is standing, staring out the window, with JAR JAR. The  
window, intimidated, yields to the Queen's gaze. EIRTAE and SABE stand near  
the door. JAR JAR, adorned with spectacles and a wooden pipe given to him  
by QUI-GON, turns to face the QUEEN and sees her sadness.  
JAR JAR: I've been reflecting recently on the nature of sentient tactile  
pain. Wherefore do you propose it has been conjured by some heavenly being,  
highness?  
AMIDALA: Oh my God, you can talk?!  
JAR JAR: I gather from your disposition that you fear the eminent demise of  
your people.  
AMIDALA: I...uh...  
JAR JAR: My own culture is under a similar sword of Damocles, if you will.  
It is only a matter of time before we too succumb to invasion.  
AMIDALA: I'm sorry, who are you again?  
JAR JAR: My inherent brethren shant perish under silence, I promise you  
that with indubious confidence. War is in our blood, in the blood of our  
Grande Armée - Napoleon himself smiles on our fields of newfound glory, no  
doubt. Surely your enmity stems from the current state of Franco-American  
relations then, no?  
PALPATINE and CAPTAIN PANAKA rush into the room and bow before the QUEEN.  
AMIDALA: Force, you guys, Jar-Jar can speak intelligibly!  
JAR-JAR: ...Mesa no see wha she sayin'. Mesa bombad talkin'!  
PALPATINE: Um, your majesty...  
AMIDALA: I swear! He was just talking like a Harvard grad or something.  
JAR-JAR chews on his own ear.  
PALPATINE: Of course...  
CAPT. PANAKA: ...Your Highness, Senator Palpatine has been nominated to  
succeed Valium as Supreme Druglo- I mean, Chancellor.  
PALPATINE : A surety, to be welcome, but a surprising one. I promise, Your  
Majesty, if I am elected, I will bring corruption back to the Republic. I  
will put an end to democracy. The Trade Fedreation will free its influence  
over the bureaucrats, and our people will be lost.  
AMIDALA: Who else can be nominated?  
CAPT. PANAKA: Bail Antilles of the opening scene of A New Hope and an  
Action Figure Possibility of the cool, podracing planet of Malastare.  
PALPATINE: I feel confident...our "massive amount of weaponry" will create  
a strong sympaphy vote for us... I will be Emperor, I promise you.  
AMIDALA: I fear by the time you have control of the galaxy, Senator, there  
will be nothing left of our cities, our people, our way of life...  
PALPATINE: Well, uh...duh!  
AMIDALA : With the plot as it is, there is nothing more I can do  
here...Senator, this is your arena to conquer as you will. I feel I must  
return to mine so Qui-Gon can die. I have decided to go back to Naboo. My  
place is with my people.  
PALPATINE : Go back!! ... well, ok, sounds good to me.  
AMIDALA : I will sign no tre- wait, did you just say it was ok?CAPT. PANAKA  
: Yes, Your Highness? Well then... Captain!  
There is a silence for several minutes.  
CAPT. PANAKA: Oh, right! Me?  
AMIDALA (sighing): Ready my ship. Wait, you know what - just get me some  
coffee. I'll do it myself.  
CAPT. PANAKA : Please, Your Majesty, stay here...where it's safe.  
PALPATINE: It won't be safe once I turn it into the center of my mighty  
empire!  
CAPT. PANAKA: Your Majesty, I suggest you not stay here any longer.  
AMIDALA: Right! Let's get back to- hey, waaait a second... did you say  
'Empire' Palpatine?  
PALPATINE: Nothing of the sort!  
AMIDALA: Ok, good. Just checking. Alright then, I'll be going.  
AMIDALA and her RETINUE exit the room. PALPATINE has a self-satisfied smile  
on his face, lets out an evil laugh as he lights up the room with blue  
sparks. AMIDALA turns back, staring at the sight for a moment.  
PALPATINE: I'm... working on a fireworks show, Your Majesty. For...  
Governor Bibble's Birthday!  
AMIDALA: Ahh, cool!  
She gives him a thumbs up then exits. 


End file.
